By Tapline Staff
While everyone endured their fair share of hardships during 2020, there is no denying the heavy toll the online dating singles community took on throughout this total cum-block of a year. As if it was hard enough to convince total strangers to meet up with you after an exchange of messages confirming each other’s affinity for Death Cab For Cutie, 2020 mostly eliminated the preferred setting for conducting these seductive summits fueled by inebriating libations necessary to reduce expectations and enhance sexual vulnerability: bars.
Instead of taking advantage of $4 Long Island night or going to a joint stocked with board games to leisurely distract everyone from the substantial probability that the person you’re playing Guess Who with may have predacious intentions, swiping singles were forced to resort to more forlorn avenues of coquettish congregations. First we attempted blind dates via Zoom video sessions, which at first provided sufficient space to gauge initial compatibility while maintaining social distance. However, these philandering virtual symposiums inevitably resulted in the same carnal undoing that online video predecessor dating service Chatroulette ultimately fell victim to, which means there were hella non-consensual pixelated dicks.
Next we tried meeting in spacious exterior settings, such as public parks or decrepit fast food establishments that were torched during the uprising. But as safe and suitable as those surroundings may have been, there was no denying the unspoken tension of acknowledging the ongoing internal conflict we were all confronted with: keeping COVID-safe or getting a stranger to make you splooge. In the end, most of us amorous singles succumbed to our deviant, primitive instincts, and at least broke quarantine once or twice to make boom-boom with some hot rando who also digs Godard. We here at Tapline Magazine aren’t proud of how often we gave into temptation and defied public health orders to get our gag-’n-goo on, but we felt it necessary to acknowledge our faults, as well as brag about some of the premium ass we smothered ourselves with while all the good Samaritans of the world manually churned their butter. So without further ado, check out some of the total hotties our staff ravished then ghosted throughout one of the most unprecedented viral outbreaks in modern civilization:
Staff Member: Julie Moore (Marketing)
Dating App Of Choice: Bumble
Bang & Bail Victim: Brad
Most Random Place They Banged: Drive-In Theater Screening ‘Tenet’
“At first I was hesitant to keep dating during COVID, but the longer I went without someone making me cream, the less I started giving a fuck. Brad was the first dude I paired with on Bumble, and to be honest, dude was boring AF. He just kept quoting Parks & Rec and messaging me the eggplant and tongue emoji repeatedly, but he looked skinny and had blue eyes, so I figured fuck it, I’ma bang this Brad. We first met at a hiking trail for a scenic stroll to get to know each other better, which the only thing I remember him saying was how confident he was that Aubrey Plaza was, quote, ‘a total slut’. Ultimately, he asked me to see Tenet with him at a drive-in, and I was so horny I was seeing double, so I said fuck it. He came within five minutes after the opening credits, and I spent the remaining two-and-a-half hours dry as a desert and confused as a Kakapo. It was kinda kinky I guess, never banged in a Subaru before.”
Julie Moore – Marketing
Staff Member: Ryan Durnst (Graphic Design)
Dating App Of Choice: Tinder
Bang & Bail Victim: Shelby
Reason For Ghosting: General Masculine Commitment Issues
“Bro, first few weeks of quarantine?? I mean, I was running out of socks to splurge into! I was like, ‘Okay Ryan, you gonna keep splurging into all your socks for the rest of the year, or you gonna find some poon to spoon??’ So I got back on Tinder, swiping right on every face I passed until someone finally matched with me. Her name was Shelby, and her profile picture was her stripping on a bar, but her bio said she wasn’t a stripper, so I was like, confused, but I figured possibly-a-stripper is better than definitely-not-a-stripper, you know? Anyways, I told her I’m a Bitcoin investor and that I own a Porsche, so we agreed to meet up and get to know each other better. She came over to my crib, but bro, like… She was hot and shit, right? But fuuuuuck… Total fucking freak bro. I mean, I’m pretty basic, you know? I love touching boobs and sometimes doing doggy, but Shelby?? Shelby was like, spitting in my mouth, pinching my nips ‘n shit, you know? Shelby was like, screaming at me shit like, ‘CALL ME HELEN MIRREN!!!’ and ‘FUCK ME LIKE RASPUTIN!!!’, and knocking over my household appliances and shit. The last time we hooked up, she pissed on my living room rug and told me she was marking her ‘territory’, so I bailed, man. I bailed and honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again. Socks are chill.”
Ryan Durnst – Graphic Design
Staff Member: Kayla Peterson (Sales)
Dating App Of Choice: OkCupid
Bang & Bail Victim: Lauren
Motive For Meeting: Receiving Hella Nudes
“COVID or not, Kayla Peterson is going to EAT DAT MUFF, YOU HEAR ME?? If Kayla Peterson is forced to quarantine for the sake of the greater good, then you best believe that Kayla Peterson is going to quarantine with a constant MOUTHFUL OF MUFF, FEEL ME?? WHOOO WHOOOO!!! KAYLA PETERSON GON’ HUFF DAT MUFF, YOU HEAR ME??? Ahem… Um… Yeah, sorry, ha ha. Uh… Yeah, anyways, I’m Kayla Peterson, director of sales for Tapline Magazine, and, uh.. Yeah, I was all over the dating apps in 2020, mainly OkCupid, where I found Lauren, heh. Lauren, my little muff machine, ha. We started off all innocent, you know, swapping show recommendations and bathroom stall muff pics. Then, eventually, I broke quarantine protocol and invited Lauren over, and, um… Well… KAYLA PETERSON ATE DAT MUFF, YOU FEEL ME?? KAYLA PETERSON SCARFED DOWN DAT MUFF, SHE CHOKED ON DAT MUFF, SHE DROWNED IN DAT MUFF, HEAR ME?? ON GOD!!! KAYLA PETERSON DIE FOR DAT MUFF, ON GOD!!! On god… Ahem.. So… But yeah, yeah, didn’t work out, pretty sure she wound up getting COVID or something and I started ignoring her texts or whatever.”
Kayla Peterson – Sales
Staff Member: Kyle McCaffrey (Photographer)
Dating App Of Choice: CoffeeMeetsBagel
Bang & Bail Victim: Oliver
Reason For Ghosting: Found Hotter Ass
“Okay, first off, don’t fucking shame me for getting some hot ass during a pandemic, okay?? You’re jealous. That’s it. You’re fucking jealous that you stayed at home, all alone, not gettin’ any hot ass like me, that’s it! Plain and simple! Second, I only met with like, fourteen guys this summer, okay?? Only fourteen dicks in nine months!! Usually I’m pulling in at latest forty dicks any given summer, okay?? So, we’re talking a 35 percent decrease in dicks for me this year, so don’t act like I wasn’t sacrificing something, okay?? Anyways, um, yeah, Oliver, total cute ass, dumb as rocks but hung like a Romanian wrestler, cute Prince Albert too. We got naughty for sure. One night during the riots, he went down on me on the top of a parking ramp while I watched a Wells Fargo burn to a crisp, it was hot! But anyway, he got a little too needy for my taste (story of my life!), so I ghosted him and settled for this hung-like-a-Hungarian-blacksmith stud named Stewart I matched with a few days later.”
Kyle McCaffrey – Photographer
Staff Member: Dale Petty (Beer Reviewer)
Dating App Of Choice: Farmers Only
Bang & Bail Victim: Charlene
Relationship Status: Married
“Now see here, I always thought them online dating sites were for prissy sissies who couldn’t wrangle in some tail in the real world! But once the COVID took over and I found myself playing pecker tetherball at alarmingly frequent rates, I figured, ‘Now Dale, you might not be able to corral home some flailing floozie at the VFW for a while now! Maybe it’s time to stop living in the past and start reeling in that twat trout using the ol’ computer machine!’ So I signed up for one of them Farmers Only accounts, and by god, my pogo stick started hopping just lookin’ at all them pictures of frisky farmhands, just waiting for a good poking! I had been on a few dates with some tantric tuna peddlers before I eventually found my anal angel, Charlene. Boy howdy, what a lucky son-of-a-gun I am for mustering up the courage to send Charlene a delfie (dick selfie, heh heh). Naturally, she was receptive to my pink cattle prod, and within two months of engaging in primal, animalistic intercourse along with a steady diet of lonely cowboy and sheep roleplay, I went and got myself hitched! I’d darn near say this pandemic was the best thing to ever happen to ol Dale Petty!”
Dale Petty – Beer Reviewer
Staff Member: Mackenzie Macintosh (Graphic Design)
Dating App Of Choice: Tinder
Bang & Bail Victim: Cheryl
Motive For Meeting: Annihilate Cheryl’s Innocence
“Seriously, dating apps are so monotonous, I only get my rocks off catfishing innocent people. Everyone on there is so fucking vain and pathetic that they’re in desperate need of being psychologically shattered, just to fucking get over themselves. I was so bored this summer that I started relentlessly catfishing any conceited cunts I matched with on Tinder. First I Google Imaged ‘toxic masculinity’ and copied the first image I came across to set up as my profile picture. I named my avatar ‘Brian’ and wrote ‘I like dogs and I fuck good’ as his bio. Within minutes I had dozens of matches, and after careful consideration of who to focus my wrath of scorn on, I landed on Cheryl. Cheryl seemed like your typical ‘plastic’ from high school; working in HR, breast implants, personality of a goldfish. I started off messaging Cheryl sweet-nothings like ‘hey’ and ‘sup?’ and ‘a/s/l?’ until I sealed the deal and secured a meet-up. I’ll never forget Cheryl’s face when she opened the door of her apartment wearing pink pajamas that proclaimed her ass was ‘JUICY’. She was mortified. ‘Where’s Brian??’ she repeated. I ran my fingers against her indented cheekbones and whispered, ‘I’m Brian…’ and she straight up froze. I put a finger to her lips as my other hand made its way down Cheryl’s torso. Long story short, I spent the night, left without warning, blocked her phone number, and now I’m sure she’s sexually demented for life.”
Mackenzie Macintosh – Graphic Design
Staff Member: Tanner Hogan (Intern)
Dating App Of Choice: CougarD
Bang & Bail Victim: Meryl
Bang & Bail Victim’s Net Worth: $8.9 Million
“Goddamn I love cougars!! Man, nothing gets my handlebar stiff like a sexually-deprived middle-aged lady whose husband is always away on business! Throw in some big ol’ chest sacks and a C-section scar, and dog-gone-it, I can die a happy boy! I started off the pandemic looking for desperate cougars on Craig’s List, but that usually led me to the residences of slightly overweight bald men with Eastern European accents named Horace. Finally I found out about CougarD! It’s the only dating app for cock-starved housewives in pursuit of no-strings-attached coitus with cubs! My first match was Meryl, and gee, Meryl was just about all a sexually immature twenty-something, backwards hat-wearing straight male could ask for! Big ol’ swinging milk bags, smile like a witch of Eastwick, Meryl had it all. I plowed her flower field every which way to Wichita, and best of all, she paid me $5,000 after every visit! It all ended abruptly one night when I was raking her bush leaves and her husband fell through a closet door, naked and aroused, holding a camcorder, and I was ultimately informed that they’d been uploading footage of our sexual encounters to a website they started called unsuspectingcubs.com. They threatened to blackmail me by sending the sex tapes to my entire family and employer when I expressed hesitancy to continue pursuing this pleasurable partnership, so I… Just kinda said ‘screw it’, and kept at it. So yeah, check out my vids at unsuspectingcubs.com, and feel free to subscribe to Meryl’s OnlyFans account for more premium cub-conquering footage!”
Tanner Hogan – Intern
Staff Member: Cheryl Washington (Human Resources)
Dating App Of Choice: Tinder
Bang & Bail Victim: ‘Brian’
Seduction Souvenir: Scarred For Life
“Um.. My name’s Cheryl, and, uh.. My Tinder date story is kinda… Strange, I guess.. Um… Well… I guess I was, uh.. Catfished.. By a coworker of mine… At Tapline Magazine… Yeah, it’s, uh… Little awkward, I guess, ha… It started off with me matching with this hot guy on Tinder named ‘Brian’, who seemed nice at first. But… When I agreed for him to come over, I opened the door and, well.. It was this girl I work with named Mackenzie, who.. I’m pretty sure works in graphic design, or, something, I dunno, but, um… Anyways, yeah, I opened the door, you know… Expecting Brian to sweep me off my feet, and, um… Well, Mackenzie started running her fingers up and down my body, and… Ugh, I don’t know, it’s weird! I’d never been with a girl before, and, I mean.. It was kinda nice! But when I woke up, she was gone, and then I tried texting her and she never responded, she never responded to my emails, and when I tried to call her, I kept getting a message that the number had been discontinued, and, um… Well… I see her on Zoom work meetings sometimes, but since none of us have been in the office this year, I’ve never had a chance to… Get some closure, you know? Just… Just to figure out what happened, you know? So… Mackenzie, if you’re reading this, please answer me. Please at least let me see your face again.. Just once… I miss you… I… Love you…”
Cheryl Washington – Human Resources
Staff Member: ‘Brandy’ Randy McClaine (Janitor)
Dating App Of Choice: Backpage
Bang & Bail Victim: Paulene
Reason For Ghosting: My Legal Counsel Has Advised Me Not To Answer This Question
“Hey, Brandy Randy here, heh (they call me ‘Brandy Randy’ because I’m an alcoholic who overindulges in apricot brandy, and it rhymes). Guess you wanna know about what happened to Paulene and I, huh? Yeah, well get in line buddy. Look, all I’m at liberty to say about the disappearance of Paulene Thompson is that we became online acquaintances through the now-defunct Backpage.com, we agreed to meet up in a Denny’s parking lot for Grand Slam takeout and to get to know each other a little better, and when it became apparent that Paulene wasn’t my type because she had a full set of teeth and I like ‘em gummy, I bid her farewell, and I never saw her again. I don’t care what any ‘witnesses’ said they saw, I’m just an alcoholic janitor who prefers to overindulge in apricot brandy and only eats Grand Slams (one every day, usually around 2:00pm). Yes, I’m aware that surveillance camera footage puts my 1995 white Oldsmobile Ciera SL at the Mississippi River Boat Ramp approximately twenty-four hours before Paulene’s body washed ashore about a mile downstream, but I can explain that! Sometimes I take a little trek to the Mississippi River Boat Ramp to watch the sun rise and contemplate whether another day of existence is worth it; it soothes me! And as for that surveillance camera footage apparently depicting me taking several garbage bags out of my trunk and tossing them into the Mississippi River, well… I… I don’t believe in recycling! Yeah, I had several garbage bags full of empty apricot brandy bottles, and, you know, I think I read somewhere that recycling actually, uh, emits greenhouse gases into the, uh.. You know… Air… And, uh… It’s… It’s actually better to, um… Throw… Glass… Into, the, uh… River… Because, um… Um… OH, FINE!! I DID IT!!! YOU CAUGHT ME!!! I’M THE BACKPAGE PROWLER THE AUTHORITIES HAVE BEEN AFTER FOR OVER A DECADE!!! DIDN’T THINK OL’ BRANDY RANDY HAD IT IN HIM, DID YA?? DID YA??? TOO BAD YOU’RE READING THIS AND I’M ALREADY HALFWAY TO CANADA IN MY 1995 WHITE OLDSMOBILE CIERA SL, WHERE BACKPAGE IS STILL THRIVING AND COMPLETELY LEGAL!!! SO LONG SUCKERS!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!”
‘Brandy’ Randy McClaine – Janitor