By Abigail Gibson

Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey sure was a man of many faces this year! It seemed like that little baby faced rascal was everywhere this summer. Whether it was flashing those sprightly dimples, or giving the camera a little disappointed-dad frown; you never knew what face Frey would whip up next! One of my favorite hobbies this year was cutting out Jacob Frey’s face in every newspaper I’d find it in and glue it to the walls of the room in my apartment I devoted as a shrine to Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s face, until the entire walls and ceiling were covered in sloppily-pasted Frey face clippings, and my ‘Fromage’ collage was complete! 

I just love staring at Frey’s face and attempting to decipher the calculated intentions necessary to trigger specific muscle contractions and wrinkle patterns that aim to convey empathetic emotions that you and I can recognize. I could go on for hours gazing into the abyss of that mesmerizing mug that masks an internal void of acceptance and approval; that chiseled veil of perceived contemplation that disguises a longing for compassion and recognition. That countenance resembling if Patrick Dempsey got more into cross country running as a teenager, or if Patrick Bateman forgot to shave on occasion… Mmhmm… Yeah… 

My goodness, ha ha, look at me! Rambling on and on about that ravishing complexion and succulent cheekbone structure, typing this while not wearing pants and blaring Crowded House’s ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’, good golly Miss Molly!! Why don’t I let that face do the talking for me, aye?? So without further ado, why don’t you go on and pop a bottle of peach bubbly, lower your air conditioning to a more frigid, nipple-erecting temperature, unbox some exotic chocolate truffles, and soak in the sights of the best faces Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey made this summer:

1) ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor?’ 

“Will you be mine?…”

Wow, look at that face! Doesn’t it just invite you to step foot inside a metropolitan paradise bursting with immaculate apartment complexes and luxury condos and, and, and, luxury apartment complexes, and immaculate condos, and, and… Restaurants… Culture… Bike paths, doesn’t this face just scream, ‘WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR???’  

2) ‘The Decision Maker’

Decisions are tough, but somebody’s gotta make them.

With his hunkish features and smooth-as-a-infant’s-ass chinbone, it’s easy to forget that Jacob Frey’s actually the Mayor of Minneapolis and not just some dreamy fuck object you wanna violate after a couple cream ales on the patio! Sometimes he has to make tough decisions that, while you may not agree with, you can’t deny how his striking image initiates impulses to gag the closest living thing within reach. You can tell by those begging-to-be-sucked fingers across his mouth that Frey’s about to lay down the law in this photo! 

3) ‘Man of the People’

Wow! He’s just like one of us! Cool!

When you’re not pressing your tongue against newspaper clippings displaying his face, it’s hard to remember that this salivating sack of skin is actually a human being, just like us! So often are we quick to point out that politicians serve no actual purpose in recognizing, addressing, and acting upon the interests of us common folk, that we get lost in identifying how underneath those designer suits and ties are beating hearts and whizzing electrodes, functioning to acquire our admiration and affection, as all of us do every day! 

Take this photo for example! Frey was out for a morning jog, striving to maintain his physical excellence, when he’s approached by this avaricious asshole trying to capitalize on Frey’s clout to enhance his own brand. Frey had every right to tell this jag-off to beat it, but no. Frey comprehends this man’s pursuit of relevancy, and agrees to share his superior status with this serf to evoke a documented display of empathy. A true man of the people! 

4) ‘Excuse me?’

“You talking to me??”

When you’re in charge of managing the lives of hundreds of thousands of people, it’s inevitable that some stiff is going to question your reign of supremacy. I can’t imagine how trying it is to have to restrain the urge to forcefully evict anyone who contradicts my agenda day in and day out, especially if their genetic composition perils in comparison. But patience prevails, as Frey demonstrates with this face that subtly expresses his impatience for inanity, without verbally confirming his internal sense of eminence. As Twain said, ‘Never argue with an idiot. They will beat you with experience and people listening in may not be able to tell the difference.’ 

5) ‘The Listener’

It takes listening to hear someone.

‘Poised, sympathetic, and considerate’. These are the words that ooze out of my mouth when I gawk at this image of a humble Frey acknowledging words from an ordinary person, as I gently lather more candle wax between my upper thighs. How could you resist pouring your soul into those cordial, hazel oculus cortexes? The cries and complaints of one pleb after another shall never fall upon deaf ears when such an auditory occupant as Frey possesses polished and sheen aural canals bred for exquisite reception and cognizance.

6) ‘The Beam of Hope’

Leader of the solidarity militia!

In moments of strife, leaders strive to either divide and conquer or embrace and unite. When the peasants take to the streets to voice their delusions of tyranny, a king can either seek shelter from the storm in his castle or breed assurance through presence and appearance. The latter route was steered by Frey, and through his consistent attendance amidst the rallying displays of incompliance, we the people were able to band together amid turmoil and conquer our misguided inclinations that rebellion was necessary to obtain pertinent justice. 

7) ‘Transparency of Sorrow’

Heavy is the head who wears the crown.

Rare do leaders shed their armors of durability in favor of exhibiting a vulnerable state of despondency. Heavy is the head that wears the crown during durations of despair. But when our backs are pressed against the wall and our darkest hours tick upon us, sometimes a monarch’s tears and not his wrath are the paths to our endearing hearts. Here we see Frey inhabiting a reflective vessel of our own despondent pity in an effort to reveal to us that distress is not the track toward triumph. This projection of desolation allows us to comprehend the earnest nature it takes to govern and rule a flock that has strayed away from the beaten path.

8) ‘Resistance of Aberration’

Never stoop to a loon’s level.

The adage of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ need not apply when wading in the current of the deepest depths of deviancy. How easy it must be to succumb to the shallow yearning to defy and retaliate when confronted with the sheer possibility of vexation. While winds of delinquency gusted through the city, one man resisted the temptation to turn to immorality, choosing to instead manifest a moral compass against the flurries of anarchic tumult. How anyone can defy those delicate dimples and sensuous visage is beyond me, nonetheless, here we witness a demeanor of valiant stoicism assaulted by an opposition to decency. 

9) ‘Sultry Seducer’

What I’d give to be the candy on his arm…

I must admit my envy of anyone fortunate enough to fall victim to Frey’s carriage of carnal exertion. One must be blind to not interpret the appearance of intimate satisfaction in the pupils of Frey’s floozy arm candy. Oh, to be held with the same firmness of grip, to be accosted with the same sensuous intensity, to be demolished by the same licentious ferocity!! If only I’d be so lucky to be as obliterated by salacious impurity as Frey’s partner of promiscuity appears to willingly endure, oh, if only!!

10) ‘Repository of Buoyancy’

It’s times like these we learn to live again.

If this year taught us anything, it’s that the flickering of light, no matter how miniscule it may seem, still can illuminate the shadows of insurrection. Nowhere is this notion more apparent than the expression of jubilance on display right here. One glance at Frey’s acceptance of absurdity and satirical embracing of imprudence is enough to enhance our comprehension that no matter what obstacles we encounter or hindrances we face, we must always maintain a blithe confidence that whatever barriers we are restricted by will naturally pass. Charlie Chaplin once said, ‘A day without laughter is a day wasted’, and through this documentation of Frey’s contagious jocularity, we can rest assured that we’ll always trounce our tribulations, and vanquish our adversaries. May you always stay golden Ponyboy. Always stay golden…