By Conway Diddle
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL??? YAAAAYYYYYY!!!! Football baby!!
You got that football fever, don’t cha?? You betcha, huh?? We love the football, we love the handing off to the running back, the punts off the foot, the suspenseful unit measurements, the nachos that cost more money than usual and are just plain tortilla chips and cheese semen, the women in the purple skirts and titty costumes who shake their body parts for our observation whenever good things happen to the jersey men, the jumbotron camera forcing two dude friends to makeout, and we laugh at the jumbotron camera makeout dudes who are only good friends and nothing more, because dudes kissing dudes?? What???? Ha ha ha ha ha, football is great!!
The tackles, the tying of shoelaces, the yelling at the purple men from far away because our highly audible words provide them with informative intel and motivation that will make them mess up no more, the smacking of your child when they ask for expensive merchandise when they don’t even have a job yet, the assaulting of people in the parking lot wearing the wrong jersey and slashing the tires of their Kia Sorento, the hundreds of millions of dollars we pay without consent for the stadium, the shooing away of the homeless when it’s big game time, the possession of a double-headed dildo and inserting it into the vaginas of two women who were lying on the floor in the lounge area of a boat hosting a sexual assault party on Lake Minnetonka, the severe lack of judicial discipline after committing dozens of criminal acts that non-millionare athletes would be punished to the full extent of the law for, the physical assaulting of your own children, FOOTBALL BABY!!!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!!
You love football, we love football, and football loves us, so we stalked eleven Minnesota Vikings football players after leaving their practice facility and chased them down before they entered their luxury sedans and high end sport utility vehicles to yell two questions at them: what is their favorite local craft beer and what is their overall opinion on vaccinations? You ready to find out what these famous Minnesota Vikings football players said their favorite local craft beers were and how they generally feel about vaccines? Great! Here we go! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!! SKOL!!
Harrison Smith – Safety – #22
“Jesus fucking Christ, you scared the shit outta me!! Who the fuck are you?? What? What?? My favorite local craft beer? Uh… I don’t.. I dunno man, uh… Summit Extra Pale Ale I guess? Okay, I gotta go. What?? One more question?? Okay, what? What’s my overall opinion on vaccines? Um… I mean, I dunno, I… I guess they’re.. Okay? Like… If you don’t want one you shouldn’t be forced to get one I suppose, but, I mean… Look, I dunno man, I don’t know you buddy, get the fuck outta here, seriously, fuck off!!”
Justin Jefferson – Wide Receiver – #18
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, where’d you come from? Hold up, hold up, dude, where the, who the fuck are you?? My favorite local craft beer, what?? I don’t.. Bro, I don’t even fucking drink beer man, okay? I drink Brandy Alexanders and that’s it bro, seriously, get the, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE DUDE!!! What? The fuck did you just ask me?? My overall opinion on vaccines?? I mean, well, because of advances in medical science, you or your child can be protected against more diseases than ever before. Some diseases that once injured or killed thousands of adults and children, have been eliminated completely and others are close to extinction, primarily due to safe and effective vaccines. Polio is one example of the great impact that vaccines have had in the United States. Polio was once America’s most-feared disease, causing death and paralysis across the country, but today, thanks to vaccination, there are no reports of polio in the United States. So… That’s it? Okay, take care man, be safe.”
Eric Kendricks – Linebacker – #54
“Hey, what’s up man, you want an autograph or something? I think I got a sharpie on me somewhere here… Oh, you just have a few questions for me? Okay, shoot. My favorite local craft beer? Hmm.. You know, Modist’s Dreamyard New England IPA is like drinking a juice box full of crushed velvet. It’s like walking face-first through a cloud of grapefruit cotton candy, you know what I mean? It has a softness that malted barley alone could never accomplish. I mean, yeah, Modist does have a unique mash filter that allows them to make Dreamyard so cushy, but I got to give it up to the beermaking prophets who work there and saw fit to apply it for such heavenly ends. A true product of divine inspiration. Modist Dreamyard man, incredible beer. What’s your other question? My overall opinion on vaccines? Oh, they’re trash man, vaccines are unsafe and infringe on upon our human rights, and if our government persists on forcing its citizens to inject bile into our bloodstreams, then God as my witness, I will take action into my own hands, plain and simple. Plain and simple… Any other questions? Cool! Nice meeting you dude, take care!”
Kyle Rudolph – Tight End – #82
“Hey man, I don’t think you have clearance to be here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there man, seriously, I don’t want any problems. I… I don’t care about your questions, I don’t want to answer them, and I want you to back the fuck up man. YOU HEAR ME?? BACK THE FUCK UP MOTHER FUCKER OR I WILL SMOKE YOUR ASS!!! YOU… My favorite craft beer, dude, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME??? I HAVE A PERMIT TO CARRY, ALRIGHT?? I WILL FUCKING SMOKE YOUR ASS YOU DWEEBY LOOKING DONG MONGLER, YOU HEAR ME?? NO, I DON’T WANNA TELL YOU MY FAVORITE LOCAL CRAFT BEER, I AM OPENING MY TRUNK AND GRABBING MY G-FORCE GF99 SEMI-AUTOMATIC 12 GAUGE SHOTGUN, I AM NOW IN POSSESSION OF MY G-FORCE GF99 SEMI-AUTOMATIC 12 GAUGE SHOTGUN, AND I AM COCKING IT AND POINTING IT AT YOUR FACE AND WILL PULL THE TRIGGER TO STAND MY GROUND IF YOU DO NOT BACK UP AND VACATE THE PREMISES!!! WHAT?? FINE, I’LL ANSWER ONE QUESTION, ONE FUCKING QUESTION, GO… VACCINES?? WHAT ABOUT THEM?? WHAT IS MY OVERALL OPINION ON VACCINES? Oh, vaccinations are an important part of family and public health. I mean, they prevent the spread of contagious, dangerous, and deadly diseases, such as measles, polio, mumps, chicken pox, whooping cough, diphtheria, and HPV. So… Yeah, vaccines are great… So… We good? GOOD, NOW FUCK OFF BEFORE I SMOKE YOUR ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER!! LET’S GO, MOVE!!! MOVE!!!”
Mike Boone – Running Back – #23
“Oh, hey, didn’t see ya there, ha ha. You a ball boy or something? Equipment manager? Did I forget my cleats again? Jeez, I’m always forgetting those dang things, ha ha. You’re a reporter? Tapline Magazine? Hmm… And… You want to ask.. Me? Questions?? Ha ha, uh, I think you got the wrong guy actually. Usually people want to interview Dalvin, or Adam, or Kirk, you know, the main guys. Nobody ever really wants to know or even cares what… Me, Mike Boone, thinks… You.. You really want to interview me, don’t you? Wow, ha… Oh man, I’m… I’m getting kind of emotional here, ha ha. Oooo.. Sorry… Ugh, I usually don’t get like this, but… I’ve never been interviewed before, so… It’s a… It’s a big deal for me, and I thank you… Sure, fire away! My favorite local craft beer? Um… You don’t… You don’t wanna ask me about.. The game plan for Detroit next week, or my current diet and training regimen, or my upbringing as the child of a single parent household who defied all odds and made it into the NFL? No? You… You just wanna know what my favorite local craft beer is? Okay… Okay… Well… I… I dunno man, Surly? Surly I guess, I’ve had that before.. Anyway, guess I should get, oh wait, you have another question for me?? Yeah, yeah sure, I’ll answer it! What is it?? … Vaccines? Vacc… You want to know my overall opinion on vaccines? You don’t wanna ask me about when I put up two touchdowns against the Chargers last year when Dalvin went down, or about how I worked three jobs during college while being a full time student athlete just to financially support my sister’s cancer treatment?? You.. You just want to know my stance on vaccination?? You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you man, fuck you. You… You really had me going man.. You really fooled me, I really thought you cared. Just.. Just go away.. Go away, please… GOOOO AWAAAAAAAY!!!”
Riley Reiff – Offensive Tackle – #71
“Yoooo, if you ain’t selling me CBD vape oil pens, I don’t wanna hear it bro. I’m just looking for a quality CBD vape oil pen, not trying to answer any questions, thank you. THANK YOU… THAAAAANKKK YOOOOOOUUUUU, BUH BYE!!!”
Danielle Hunter – Defensive End – #99
“Oh shit, oh shit, it’s the Tapline Magazine guy! Hell yeah buddy, huge fan, HUUUUGE fan! Ask away man, ask away! Favorite local craft beer?? Hmm… Damn… Damn, I knew you were gonna come at me with the heavy hitters right off the bat!! Favorite local craft beer… Oh man, Dangerous Man’s Peanut Butter Porter, oh yeah, that’s my jam man. That jet-black color with a small, light brown head of foam. Hmmmmmmm.. That aroma of peanut butter, chocolate and toffee. That sweet, rich peanut butter taste with a touch of chocolate and toffee. A total paragon of both excess and restraint, tasting like singed toast slathered in creamy peanut butter, all without betraying the rich, malty base stout it’s built upon, WOOOOOOOWE!!! Man, you got me all wound up now!!! I might have to swing by there after game day!! One more question? Shoot! My overall opinion on vaccines? Hmm… Well… Do I believe the powers at be are orchestrating a covert mass chip implantation in which they may in time resort to under the pretext of a mandatory vaccination against coronavirus?? I dunno… Maybe… Do I believe that Bill Gates is funding this massive roll out of unproven vaccinations with tracking chips that would later be activated by 5G and those who deny such vaccination will find themselves rounded up in what can only be referred to in hindsight as the ‘Last Final Solution’?? I dunno… Who knows, right? Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right, you know? Guess we’ll have to… Wait and see… Anyways, keep up the great work man, Tapline Magazine RULES!!!”
Dan Bailey – Kicker – #5
“Hey! Hey, hey, hey, listen to me. Listen to me man. No, stop, no questions, no questions man, just listen. You gotta listen to me man. You listening? You listening? Good, okay… Look… You gotta help me man… I need help… The guys in there? All the football players? My so-called teammates? They all gotta go. Listen to me, listen to me, sshhhhh, shhhhh, shhhhhhh, quiet, quiet, listen to me… Everyone.. Everyone on this team, the Minnesota Vikings, everyone… They all gotta go.. Know what I mean?? Picking up what I’m putting down?? Catching my drift?? They all gotta go, every last one of them. They must pay. They all must pay for what they’ve done to me.. ‘Hey, there’s the kicker!! Grab him!! Grab him and smack him with our towels!! Everybody, gather around, we’re all urinating on the kicker’s face as he’s held down on the shower room tile floor against his will!! Everybody, there’s Bailey, Bailey the dumbass kicker that nobody gives a shit about, let’s grab him and force him to eat our feces, he’s a kicker, nobody will care!’ ENOUGH!!! Enough is enough man… Not today… Not tomorrow.. Not ever again… They all must go… And you’re gonna help me… You have no choice.. Here, take this. It’s a Sig Sauer P320 Compact 9 millimeter pistol, okay? You see anyone big or muscular or wearing a Vikings jersey or entering a Hummer or Escalade or Mercedes, you point this at them and pull the trigger, okay? They all must pay, alright? Do you see? You understand, right? You see? Okay, great, good. Okay… Good talk… We’ll rendezvous in the Edina Quizno’s parking lot when we’re done. I’ll see you in an hour. Happy hunting.”
Adam Thielen – Wide Receiver – #19
“Sorry, no questions, no autographs, no pictures, I gotta jet man, bout to roll to the Millennium downtown to get some sweet ass puss from some Cambodian model chick I messaged off Instagram, don’t have time to talk to fucking sorry ass losers like you, buh bye! Craft beer? Pssh, what fucking virgins even drink that shit anyways? Patron baby, Patron’s all I need. Okay, bye!! Wait… Did… Did you hear that?? Sounded like… Gunshots from inside the practice facility… Oh my god… Go, go, go, GO, GO, GO, GO!!!!”
Dalvin Cook – Running Back – #33
“HE’S GOT A GUN!!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!! IT’S FUCKING BAILEY MAN, THE FUCKING KICKER, HE’S SHOOTING EVERYONE!! C’MON, GO, GO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!! WHAT?? MY FAVORITE LOCAL CRAFT BEER?? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW MAN, WE GOTTA GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!! COME ON!!! HURRY UP, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!!! VACCINES?? I… THEY’RE… GOOD, I GUESS, I DUNNO, JUST MOVE!! COME ON, LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! FUCKING BAILEY MAN, HE SNAPPED!!! MOVE!!!!”
Kirk Cousins – Quarterback – #8
“Fucking Bailey man, I knew that little bitch would freak eventually. He thinks he can just blow us all away, he’s got another thing coming man!! What?? Who the fuck are you man?? No, I don’t have time for a few questions, I gotta cap this mother fucker man!!! Alright, fine, what? Favorite local craft beer?? Surly Furious. Next question?? My overall opinion on vaccines?? Hmm… Ha… Funny you mentioned it, cause, uh… I mean, you do know that Bill Gates has been drafting this plan for decades in which the entire world will be under lockdown for almost a year until he comes up with a vaccine for a hoax disease that’s the cellular equivalent of the common cold, right?? And the lockdown will only stop when the vaccine is ready to be given to people. And the vaccine will carry transparent nano trackers in them, because Bill Gates has invested millions in companies working on nanotechnology so that his vaccines have these small chips embedded in them, because as soon as America put the entire world into lockdown, it started building 5G towers and sending hundreds of satellites to the sky, and once Bill Gates embeds the nanochip into the bodies of people worldwide through his vaccine, then America can conduct global surveillance through its 5G towers, and no one will be able to work or travel without America’s permission, and those who deny Bill’s vaccine will be sectioned off into concentration camps and stood up against walls for firing squads to unload upon the nonbelievers, but any blood spilled against my Christian brethren will peril in comparison to the bodies that will be slain in the afterlife reckoning that will be spearheaded by Jesus’s apostle militia and ultimately open the golden gates to an immortal Pizza Ranch that is void of the sins of the vaccinated atheists and will shield and protect us from any possible post mortem uprisings Satan shall attempt to bestow upon us!!! You get all that?? Great! Nice meeting you, now I gotta take care of some business… BAILEY!!! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE YOU FUCKING KICKER SCUM PANSY!!!! BAILEY, YOU COWARD, SHOW YOUR FACE!!!!”