By Frank Lippy
If you’re a cool person and have had sex before, chances are you’ve probably heard of the Grammy Award-winning American Pop Rock band Imagine Dragons. They’re really catchy and they’re super into chanting. Also, if you’re a cool person who pulls in over 60K a year and has seen boobs or cocks other than your own in the past two weeks, odds are you drink craft beer. Kinda makes sense that we interview someone from Imagine Dragons about what they think of craft beer, huh? Obviously, everybody in Imagine Dragons is fucking cool and has seen tons of tits and/or schlong in the past couple of weeks (other than their own), so it would make sense that they know a shit load about craft beer, right? Right.
We tried to get an interview with the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, but he told us he was too busy inserting himself into pussy while chugging craft beer, so he had to politely decline. Then we tried to interview the guy we figured was the second coolest person in Imagine Dragons, but turns out he’s recently checked himself into rehab, because he was just slamming way too many craft beers, which led to a little too much promiscuous anal sex, and, if you’re cool, you’ll know where that can lead you. So then we tried to get the least two cool members of Imagine Dragons to do a joint interview, which, you know, multiplies the coolness, but, fuckin’ aye, guess one of those guys is sober now because back in the day he was getting way out of control with drinking craft beer and apparently couldn’t even feel his dick anymore, because of all the good sex he was having, and the other guy turned out to be Christian, which, lol, kinda lame, not trying to talk about fucking Jesus or salvation or whatever the fuck, just trying to ask some questions about craft beer and hot sex, you know?
It seemed like we were running out of luck with scoring an interview with a member of Imagine Dragons, but after we hacked into the Gmail account of the band’s manager and threatened to release the dozens of videos he recorded of himself masturbating to Chip n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, he said he’d see what he can do. True to his word, he hooked us up with an interview with a former roadie of Imagine Dragons named Burt! Sick! We’ll take it! We’re sure Burt has tons of crazy stories pertaining to learning the members of Imagine Dragons craft beer preferences, as well as witnessing them engage in reckless, violent, disgusting sex. Let’s find out what Burt has to say about Imagine Dragons and their relationship with craft beer:
TAPLINE: Hey Burt, how’s it going?
BURT: Eh, okay, I guess.
TL: Really? Just okay?
B: Eh, I don’t want to get into it.
TL: Dang, hope you’re doing okay Burt. I’m sure whatever it is, you’ll get through it.
B: It has something to do with my kidneys.
TL: Ah, yeah, that stinks. Anyway, Imagine Dragons, boy howdy! What a band, huh?
B: Yeah, great band and even greater guys.
TL: Bet they sure like their craft beer, huh?
B: Oh yeah, those guys are always sipping on the good stuff backstage.
TL: Wow, must be great to be so close to them and watch them drink all that good beer, huh Burt?
B: Ha ha, yes, it’s one of the perks of my job.
TL: Dang, jealous!
B: One time, we were in Belgium, playing a huge music festival, and I-
TL: So what kind of craft beer do the guys typically drink?
B: Um… I was, I was about to tell a story, ha.
B: I said I was about to tell a story. A… Fun story… About the band.
TL: Oh. So what kind of craft beer do the guys typically drink then Burt?
B: Uh… Well, um, you know… Lots of… IPAs.
TL: Oooooooh, go on.
B: Um… Sometimes sours.
TL: Sours, wow! What else?
B: Um… I mean, they drink a lot of craft beers, so-
TL: What else… Burt…
B: Um… Well, the drummer, he’s a, he’s a stout kind of guy.
TL: Ooooooooh, I knew it! Wow, that’s amazing! I love stouts too, do you?
TL: Do you love stouts too, Burt?
B: Uh, well… Honestly, I’m kind of a scotch guy myself, heh.
B: I said I’m kind of a scotch guy, myself.
B: Yeah, scotch. You know… Malt or grain whiskey… Distilled in Scotland…
TL: I asked you if you like stouts Burt.
B: I know, I’m just saying, I’m more of a-
TL: I didn’t ask whether you drink scotch or not, Burt.
B: I know, I know, sorry, I-
TL: This isn’t ‘Scotch Magazine’, you fucking prick.
B: Whoa, hey, let’s uh, let’s calm down here, huh?
TL: This is TAPLINE MAGAZINE!!! CRAFT BEER, BURT, GET IT???
B: Okay, okay, Jesus Christ, yeah, stouts are great! I love stouts, drink them all the time, that what you want me to say?
TL: Yeah, I love stouts too Burt. Glad you agree that stouts are great.
B: What the hell is-
TL: So you ever see any of the Imagine Dragon guys have sex?
B: Ha, come on…
TL: Did you hear the question Burt?
B: I heard the question, ha ha, very funny.
TL: What’s funny about the question Burt?
B: I… I mean, if… If you’re serious, then, ha ha, I’m afraid I can’t answer that question.
TL: Why not?
B: It’s… I mean, come on! That’s a personal question! I’m a roadie, what happens on the road, stays on the road.
TL: So you’re not going to answer the question Burt?
B: No! And frankly, I’m finding this whole… Interview, if you wanna call it that, to be a little unnerving!
TL: Oh… I’m sorry you feel that way Burt.
B: I mean… I thought you all were a craft beer magazine, right?? So let’s talk about craft beer, huh?
TL: Sure Burt. Let’s talk about craft beer.
B: Okay, great! Ask me some questions about Imagine Dragons and craft beer, fire away.
TL: Okay Burt. I’ll ask you some questions about Imagine Dragons and craft beer. Just, one question first.
B: Okay, but if it’s about the members of Imagine Dragons having sex, I’m not going to-
TL: It’s not about that Burt.
B: Well, alright then, what’s your question?
TL: Who is… Tiffany?
B: What the hell are you even-
TL: Who’s Tiffany Burt?
B: Who’s Tiffany, I don’t know! You tell me! I can’t believe I’m even-
TL: Isn’t that your daughter’s name, Burt?
B: This has nothing to do with-
TL: Your daughter, Tiffany. Born April Twenty-Second, Nineteen Ninety-Six?
B: How do you even know that-
TL: Deceased, November Tenth, 2015?
B: How dare you even bring this-
TL: Official death certificate cited ‘drowning’ as the primary cause of death-
B: You son of a bitch!
TL: But an autopsy later revealed her blood alcohol level at the time of death was over three times the legal limit.
B: Listen to me you deplorable piece of shit, you even mention my daughter’s name again, and I’ll-
TL: Autopsy also noted that Tiffany had been consuming… Scotch, prior to the… ‘Drowning’.
B: I’LL FIND YOU!!! I’LL FUCKING FIND YOU, YOU MISERABLE SACK OF SHIT, AND I’LL RING YOUR NECK!!! I’LL SLIT YOUR THROAT EAR TO EAR, YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ASSHOLE???
TL: Pity… What too much… Scotch, can do… Isn’t it Burt?
B: YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD ASSHOLE!!! (Dial tone)
TL: Goodbye Burt… Enjoy your scotch.