By Helga Pataki

Lemme guess. You’re an alcoholic? Yeah, me too. Sucks, right? Just fucking wish I could… Live a normal life, you know?! Like… Fucking go for a walk, or read a book, or cook something other than Cheeseburger Hot Pockets. But I can’t… Cause I’m always fucking drunk as shit. 

Everyday I wake up, hit the Peach Schnapps, pour some Stoli Raz into a coffee thermos, take the bus to work, talk to new friends, arrive at Arby’s, be reminded by my shift manager Dave that I was fired over seven months ago for frequently passing out in the meat cooler, sigh with rejection, finish my coffee thermos, wait for the bus, start to feel optimistic about life for some reason, get on the bus, tell myself I won’t stop at Randy’s Liquor this time, get off the bus before my stop, enter Randy’s Liquor, stock up on Loko’s, crush a few on the walk home, stumble inside my one bedroom apartment, crush more Loko’s, turn up some Nugent and watch ER on mute, order Domino’s, pass out before it arrives, then wake up and do it all over again.

Look, I need to change! I know that! Fuck, I wanna change so bad, but I just fucking love getting sauced too much! Man, if only I could maintain getting sauced while still being productive… There’s gotta be SOMEONE out there who’s successful as fuck and still gets lit af on a daily basis! Lemme just… Lemme Google ‘rich and famous people who are alcoholics’… Let’s see… Whoa! Holy shit!! Turns out there’s shitloads of wealthy, successful famous celebrities who are actually total trainwreck boozehounds! This is great! This gives me hope! If these filthy rich and prosperous superstars can still keep their shit together after an all-you-can-eat Smirnoff buffet breakfast, then maybe I can too! Check this shit out: 

1) Ben Affleck 

Turns out Affleck’s always half in the bag!

Oh man, The Fleck! Big Ben! My favorite Batman! Mother fucking Jack Ryan dude! Friggin’ Oscar Winner! Turns out he’s a total wet-brained shit-show! Whoa, check out this quote he gave the Los Angeles Times: 

“I started drinking every day. I’d come home from work and I’d start to drink and I’d just sit there and drink until I passed out on the couch,” 

Dude, he’s just like me! I do that shit all the time! Wow, his wife left him, kids hate him, repeatedly relapsed, yeah, Affleck and I are two peas in a pod! Truly inspiring. If Affleck can win Golden Globes and bang models while getting blackout blotto all the time, I can definitely get my shit together! 

2) Stephen King

Damn! The guy was really out of control!

Oh, no way! Stephen fucking King was a total sauce fiend?? Far out! Yeah, apparently King was just completely wasted while writing tons of novels that went on to make him hella cash. He said this to Rolling Stone:

“I was drinking, like, a case of beer a night. And I thought, “I’m an alcoholic.” That was probably about ’78, ’79. I thought, “I’ve gotta be really careful, because if somebody says, ‘You’re drinking too much, you have to quit,’ I won’t be able to.”

Damn King, just ONE case of beer a night?? Child’s Play! Dude, I got this in the bag. Just gotta start writing shit when I’m crunk. I mean, look at King! Possessed dogs, horny clowns, cars that do whatever they want; only a stumbling drunkard could conjure up gold like that! 

3) Daniel Radcliffe

Here’s Radcliffe, totally hammered.

Harry mother fucking Potter… No way!! Dude, I guess Radcliffe was fucking hammered while shooting those lame ass pussy wizard movies! I mean, I guess that’d be kinda easy, just yelling gibberish and shit and flicking your wand around. ‘ALAHAMMORAH!!!’ ‘WINGUARDIAN LEVIOSAH!!!’ This guy’s like a fucking Adam Sandler character, huh?? Damn, sounds like Cliffe was in a dark place

“If I went out and if I got drunk, I’d suddenly be aware of there being interest in that because it’s not just a drunk guy, it’s ‘Oh, Harry Potter’s getting drunk in the bar,’”      

Oh my god, could you friggin’ imagine just being shitfaced at the bar and fucking Harry Potter just stumbles by?? Hahahaha, oh my god, that’d be HILARIOUS!!! Just start waving your beer bottle at his face, shouting spells, oh man, so awesome. But yeah, that’s cool he was drunk as shit during the height of his fame and popularity. Now he’s sober and nobody gives a shit about him! Just goes to show…

4) Lindsay Lohan

LOHAN!!! What a lush!

Oh yeah, fucking Lohan, good GOD!!! Remember her?? Just ALWAYS getting trashed and doing dumb shit while still raking in dough for shitty movies and showing off some muff to the paparazzi or whatever. She’s a legend! An icon for all of us cirrhosis-diagnosed fuck-ups. Pssh, turns out she keeps trying to clean up

“Heath Ledger told me to give it up for a year because he’d just done that, and so I did, and it wasn’t a problem for me,”

You fucking listened to Ledger?? How’d that work out for him again?? Guess The Joker strikes again, huh? Lohan, come on, don’t be ashamed of who you are! Booze is what got ya to the top! Stay strong girl, keep falling off that wagon, and give me something to live for!!! 

5) David Hasselhoff

If this guy can succeed, anybody can!

The Hoff!! Holy shit, what a helpless lush! Just running around with his shirt off, chasing tail, jumping into the ocean, guess we should’ve seen it coming, huh?? Oh yeah, Hoff was a total tippler. Remember that video? That his daughter took of him or whatever? He’s just like, totally blackout, eating pizza off the floor or something? Yeah, what a boss. Here’s The Hoff telling someone how fucking out of control he was during his heyday: 

“It is my responsibility to do the best I can and to take it one day at a time. But alcohol can become deadly. The scariest is when you go into a meeting and you’re like, ‘Where’s Steve?’ and they say, ‘Oh Steve died last night’.” 

Whoa! I had a drinking buddy named Steve who died too! We were shitfaced, fucking around at a Chuck E. Cheese we broke into, and the mother fucker drowned in the ball pit. RIP Steve. Anyways, now that I think about it, lifeguard would be a sick gig to have and just get totally bombed at. Get some sun, stare at tail, yeah, not bad. Thanks Hoff! 

6) Steve-O

Steve-O, always fucking bombed, yet very rich!

Of course! Steve-O the Shit Show! Always fucking hammered this guy, always drowning his pain and insecurity, one High Life after another. Talk about living the dream! This guy just got tanked all day and hurt himself and made millions!! Any alcoholic asshole can do that! Lol, look at this shit

“I can count five times where I was hit in the head hard enough to actually like black out … That’s concerning to me. I mean especially where the one time I landed on my face on concrete off a second-floor balcony.”   

Oh I’ve been there. Usually I’m too bombed to even make it down the stairs to exit my apartment so I typically lunge myself out the third story window to try and catch the bus. But man, yeah, Steve-O really had things figured out, didn’t he? Get totally annihilated and staple your scrotum or suck off a horse or whatever the fuck! People will pay boat loads to see that shit! Total inspiration, that guy.

7) Billy Joel 

Getting drunk, writing stupid songs, doesn’t seem so bad!

Duh! You’d HAVE to be a shitfaced drunkard to write shitty songs about other shitfaced drunkards!! Billy Joel, you little barfly you. Fifth of Seagrams, straight to the dome, then sing ‘Piano Man’ for the millionth time, sounds like every Thursday night for me at the Vegas Lounge Karaoke Bar! Billy Joel, what a Rummy! Always driving around, completely inebriated, barely seeing over the steering wheel, crashing into shit! Best of all, the guy’s stinking rich! Hundreds of millions of dollars, all because he’d get fucked up all the time and play piano. Listen to this juicehead recall the glory days

“It started with Dewars White Label Scotch and then, when I really got heavy into it, it was vodka. Vodka is a hard-core alky drink,”

‘Hard-core alky drink’, come on Bill! Vodka?? Hard-core alky drinks are any flammable liquid that’s meant to assist in making your vehicle run, vodka, easy there ROOKIE!!! Billy Joel, this little guy, running around, driving drunk, writing songs about low lives, getting completely smashed, and counting fat stacks, what a legend!! Totally inspiring for any booze junkie like me. 

8) Buzz Aldrin

Guess it DOES take a rocket scientist to be a kick ass, productive drunk!

NO FUCKING WAY!!! The dude with the greatest alcoholic name of all time who stumbled around the moon is a total dysfunctional dipsomaniac?? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! Wow, I always thought being an astronaut was a little outta my league, but if this fucking gin gremlin can do it, why the hell can’t I?? Good god, check out this insanely inebriated shit he did to his girlfriend

“In August 1975, Buzz did a 28-day stay in an addiction treatment center and got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous, Biography reports. Unfortunately, the retired astronaut had a challenging time staying sober despite the support he received in AA.He was arrested for disorderly conduct after breaking in his girlfriend’s door while intoxicated. Having reached rock bottom, Buzz gave up alcohol for good in October 1978.”

Breaking down doors, barging into girlfriend’s places of residence, yeah, that sounds like all the makings of a night of drunken debauchery. Buzz is wild man, totally unhinged!! Sauced outta his skull! Fucking astronaut dude, wow, just shows you how far a little booze can take you. 

9) Mother Teresa

Look at her!! Completely trashed!

NOOOOOOO!!! COME ON!!!! NO FUCKING WAY DUDE!!!! You’re telling me Mother mother fucking Teresa was an absolute booze monster who was constantly crushing brews and taking brandy pulls when she wasn’t saving children or whatever the hell she did?? DUDE!!! GREAT NEWS!!! Saving the world and getting completely schlitzed, wow, so amazing!! Whoa, check out this quote she gave to a reputable news source when she was alive and totally bombed:

“If there’s two things I love more than helping the poor and feeding the hungry, it’s gotta be blacking out on Rumplemintz and starting fights with bitch ass pussies giving me side eye.” 

WHOA!!! MOTHER TERESA FUCKS!!! Can’t believe she was just drunk as shit all the time!! Man, that really shows you that no matter how sauced, shitfaced, and skunked you are, you can still be an amazing person who changed the world. So what are we waiting for gang?? Let’s get out there, hit the bottle hard, and make a difference!! If all these boozehounds can do it, so can we!!! Cheers!