By Shelley Mullenberg

Dating. It’s fun, right?! We whip out our phones, we click on our apps, we swipe through pictures of people, contemplate whether we’d fuck ‘em or not, decide we would fuck them, we match, we message, we meet up, we chit chat, then, you know… We either bang ‘em, or we don’t! You never know what can happen, right? But hey! That’s why it’s fun! Banging strangers, then just going about our days. Maybe hit up the gym, or grab frozen yogurt with friends and swap stranger-bang stories, or, I don’t know, vape K2 and hit up an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and consume massive quantities of sesame chicken and crab rangoons to suppress the internal sadness and longing for consistent companionship; whatever it is you do when you’re not banging strange! But while everybody’s out there trying to devour the flesh of someone holding a fish in a photo and boldly proclaiming their infatuation with early 2010’s NBC sitcoms, one thing’s for sure: crushing then smashing your blind date is never an absolute guarantee.  

Whether you’re a total knockout with defiantly toned abs and a huge cock or you’re some fucking nerd who reeks of virginity and probably wet the bed well into high school, there are several factors that will dictate whether you’ll smash some strange on any given night. For starters, always agree to meet someone you’re trying to bang from a dating app at a brewery. Why? Oh, I dunno, probably cause, um… BREWERIES ARE FUCKING WAY COOL??? Cause of course, that’s why! Drink some dank-ass IPAs, talk to someone you could potentially fuck, enjoy the general ambiance of people your age who are also probably trying to smash some strange, it’s great! And the best part is that even if the person you’re on a date with doesn’t hold up to their photographs or is boring-beyond-banging, there’s always plenty of hot ass people hanging out in breweries to stare at while whoever you’re hanging with is blabbering on and on about how underrated ‘Community’ was! As for everything else, here’s what you need to know when it comes to absolutely crushing and ultimately smashing your brewery blind date: 

1) Talk 

Talking is hard, but necessary.

First things first, you gotta talk to them. Yes, it’s the lamest step when it comes to trying to pound some strange, but trust us, it helps. An easy way to talk to them is by asking them questions. Just keep asking questions! Seriously, just be like, ‘what’s your job?’ or ‘what do you do for fun?’ or ‘what kind of sex you into?’ or ‘You think that vaccines are legit?’ I dunno, shit like that. Bang, bang, bang, one question after the other, keep ‘em coming, and they’ll think you’re super into them. Just keep asking them questions and sipping that potent raspberry sour ale, and don’t forget to ask them another question whenever it’s apparent they’re done answering the previous question.  

2) Play Games

Games help pass time before smashing some strange.

Talking’s great, but obviously hard. If you start to run out of questions to ask them and it doesn’t seem like they’re totally on board to smash yet, then you’ll need to roll the dice… Literally! Breweries always have board games available for people who are trying to bang but can’t figure out how to talk to each other! Grab Yahtzee or Battleship or fucking Trivial Pursuit or whatever, who cares! Now you’ll barely have to talk to them and you’ll both have fun answering trivia questions about early Twentieth Century literature or spelling words. Board games are great too because you both will eventually be bored of whatever it is you’re playing and sex will seem like a more intriguing activity to participate in.  

3) Lie

Lying is great for getting your date to find you interesting and fuck-worthy.

This one’s obvious, but still somehow doesn’t get utilized enough. Lying is a super easy way to make you seem more interesting and bangable to a stranger. And because the odds of you two ever seeing each other again whether you both wind up plowing or not are extremely low, the stakes are even lower when it comes to any lies you spout coming back to bite you in the ass. 

So lie it up! Lie about your job and income! Lie about being in a band, or how you once were a studio audience member for a taping of a Maury episode. Lie about how weird you find online dating to be or how you just got out of a multi-year relationship and you’re just trying to find someone to be casual with. Fucking… Fucking make up some story about how when you were a teenager, your father was doing money laundering for the cartel and after a dissatisfied cartel member brutally executed your father’s coworkers, your family had to abruptly relocate from a higher-population metropolitan city to a less-populated backwoods town in Missouri, which then resulted in a series of criminal misadventures that you ultimately got roped into by your father and mother, and have never been able to fully regain trust or affection toward both of your parents. Yeah, say something like that! Oh man, anyone would totally let you smash them after a whopper like that. 

4) Plant Friends

“Wow! What are you doing here?!?”

Look, no matter what lies you tell this person or how great your game of Candyland goes, your blind date is inevitably going to have a little skepticism on whether they’ll let you pound them later. It’s because there’s still that subtle voice of reason that echoes in the back of their brain, telling them bullshit like ‘Oh, he’s hot, but can he be trusted?’ or ‘Wow, that father-working-for-the-cartel story seems kinda sketch’. The point is you need to establish credibility, and nothing establishes credibility like being popular. So once you’ve set up your brewery blind date, tell your friends tag along, under the guise that they just happen to be there too. 

Have a friend walk by and interrupt your conversation with your date by thanking you for all the volunteer work with the children’s hospital, or apologize for ghosting on you after all the incredibly orgasmic tantric sex you provided for them. The more friends you can round up the better, as it’s ideal to be interrupted every ten minutes by someone commending you for your chivalry or banging skills.   

5) Don’t Eat Food

Don’t risk an accident!

This one’s tough, because breweries typically have bomb ass grub or food trucks to munch on. But you’ll want to avoid edible temptation because of two things: flatulence and feces production. Look, you down a few slow-roasted carnitas tacos in between tossing back some hefty hefeweizens, you’re gonna inevitably need to rip ass or poop chunks. What, you gonna toot at the table? You eat a fancy hot dog with bacon and sriracha mayo on it, what are you gonna do when the poo poo train starts choo-chooing?? You get up to go take a shit and you’re not back within five minutes or less, your date’s gonna be like, ‘what the fuck, they totally just took a fucking dump!’ Nobody wants to even think that the stranger they’re currently on a date with, and might wind up absolutely crushing and smashing the shit outta them later, just dookied. Such a turn off. Ugh. So don’t eat any food on your date. Take a dump before you roll out, and if ‘doody’ calls during the date, hold that shit in, okay?? 

6) Initiate Intoxication 

Go on! Get a little loose with the lagers!

Look, nobody ever banged a first-date stranger sober, aye? A little liquid courage, no matter how scant, is better than nothing. Now I’m not saying you should chug some imperial stouts and begin simulating thrusting motions while shouting the lyrics to Savage Garden’s ‘Truly Madly Deeply’. I’m just saying, you gotta pick the pace. Set the tempo. You’re the beer conductor, and you want a little more Aaron Copland’s ‘Hoedown’ and a little less Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’

If you start to notice they’re not tossin’ ‘em back as fast as you are, just start buying them beers without asking if they wanted any when you order from the bar to reload. Keep setting them down in front of them whenever they’ve lingered too long on those last sips of saison, as their subconscious will direct them to finish that beer and move on to the next one. Ya gotta get smashed to get smashed, know what I’m sayin?

7) Fake Phone Call

Just put your hand over your face and look sad.

You asked them questions, you played Clue, you lied about your financial security, you’ve established your popularity, you’ve tossed back some brewskis, and you haven’t taken a shit. The ball is in your court my friend, but you still gotta dribble out the clock to end the game. A good way to get the bang wheels in motion is once the date seems to be nearing its end, fake a phone call. During a break in conversation, look down at your phone and say something like, ‘Oh shit, sorry, I have to take this’ and get up to ‘accept’ the call. You want to establish a serious, somber tone. Say something like, ‘Hey Dad…’ within earshot of them, then walk away so the brewery background noise will drown you out and you can simply lip sync words into the phone. Your date will immediately become concerned, which inadvertently forces them to care about your well being. 

When you walk back toward your table, end the ‘call’ with something like, ‘Okay, keep me posted… Love you too…’ and ruffle your fingers through your hair as you sit back down. When your date inquires about what the phone call was about, just look as distraught as possible while shaking your head. Inform them that you’re not sure if you want to talk about it, but also throw out there that you don’t know if you can be alone tonight. This will either reinforce their attraction toward you or install a sense of guilt over how they were initially not going to let you smash them. Either way, you’re in. If they recommend going back to their place (which they usually do), offer to get you two an Uber, which they will immediately rebuke your generosity, allowing you to save anywhere between $15-$30. And once that Ford Focus or Toyota Camry chariot sweeps you two away, it’s off to the stranger banger’s ball! 

8) Use Protection

Be responsible. Trust Trojan.

Please be smart when smashing your brewery blind date and use protection. Trojan is a brand name you can trust when it comes to knowing that no inadvertent joy-juice will touch you or your blind-date-bang-buddy’s genitalia. Trojan: Pleasure You Want.

This article is paid content promotion for Trojan Products. Trojan: America’s Most Trusted Condoms.