By Lance Sampson

OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH, ALONE BEER CRUSHING TIME!!! AOW AOW!!! HONKA HONKA!!! AAARRRROOOOOOGGGGGGAAAAAH!!! Mmm, fuck yeah, I dunno about you guys, but I fucking LOVE crushing beers alone. Just cracking open a sampler pack, tilting your head back, opening up your throat, and letting that ice cold, hoppy goodness cascade its way down your throat, like an edible waterfall that fucks you up, AOW AOW!!!! FUCK ME, JESUS CHRIST, THAT’S WHAT I LIVE FOR!!!! But you know what really makes crushing hella brews alone all the more merrier?? Hmm… What could it be… What could make crushing hella brews all alone by yourself even better… HOW BOUT A FUCKING KICK ASS PLAYLIST, HUH?? HUH???? HELL YEAH, SOME KICK ASS TUNES TO BLARE WHILE YOU’RE CHUGGING BREWS BY YOURSELF?? YEAH… YEAH, DIDN’T THINK OF THAT, DID YA??? 

You’ve probably been pounding brewskis alone in silence all this time, haven’t you? HA!  ROOKIE!!! Well guess what?? I just so happen to know the PERFECT 18 songs to blare while you’re excessively consuming craft beer alone. Hmm… Should I share them with you? Hmm… I don’t know… I don’t know if you deserve to know the GREATEST 18 songs to play while your fucking tossing back brew after brew, all alone, with nobody within even 20 miles around you. You think you deserve to know? You do?! Well alrighty then, you’ve convinced me! I’ll divulge my deepest secret to you. I hope you’re ready. I hope you can handle this fucking kick ass, beer drinking playlist.

This isn’t amateur hour, okay?? These aren’t 18 songs to just be background noise while you’re all alone, slowly sipping apricot pale ales. These are 18 MOTHER FUCKING BREW CRUSHING ANTHEMS THAT NEED TO BE PLAYED AT AUDITORY HEALTH-DAMAGING DECIBEL LEVELS WHILE YOU ARE GENEROUSLY POURING ONE ICE COLD WATERMELON SOUR TALLBOY DOWN YOUR ESOPHAGUS AFTER ANOTHER, ALL… BY… YOURSELF!!! So I’ll ask you one more time… Are you ready? Are you ready?? ARRRRRRREEEE YOU REEEEAAAAADDDDDYYY??? DA DA DA, DRRR NRRR NRR NRRRRR DRRR NRRR NRR NRR, DUN NAH NA NA!!!!! AOW AOW!!! LET’S GO!!!!! 

1) Metallica – Enter Sandman

Oh, fuck yeah. THIS IS HOW YOU KICK THINGS OFF!!! Oh man, that riff!! DO, DODO, DARR NARR, DA NA, NERR NERR DA NA!!! OH YEAH, WHOOOOOOO!!! Come on! Fucking shotgun a brew right when everything kicks in and comes together!! SO GOOD!!!!

2) Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train

DUN DUN… DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN… Oh you already KNOW what’s coming!! Crazy Train baby, CHOO CHOO!!!! CHOO CHOO!!!! Fucking Oz Man, straight up LEGEND!!! Man this song fucks!!! ALL ABOARD??? HA HA HA HA HA!!! Hell yeah, great song.

3) AC/DC – Back In Black

BACK IN BLACK!!! DA NA NA… DA NA NA, NA NA NA NA DA… Oh yeah, Back in Black, whooooo! Might a, might as well slam another cold one, aye?? Ha ha… AOW AOW!!! Aow Aow… Mmm, oh yeah, gotta love beer, heh heh.

4) Guns ‘n Roses – Welcome to the Jungle

Oh yeah, this song! Oh wow, this song takes me back. Man, I was like… Seventeen, eighteen when this album came out, jeez! Time flies, huh?? Ha ha. I was so young then… Whole life ahead of me… Hmm… Uh, but, haha, I mean, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!! SHA NA NANANANA, KNEEEEES, KNEEEEES!!! It’s gonna bring you down baby!! Just like this 9.6 ABV double dry hopped IPA is about to after I crush it!! 3, 2, 1, CHUG TIME!!!! (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Aaahhhhh… (Belch) Oh yeah, that’s hoppy.. Mmm… Yeah… Great song… Great…. Song. 

5) Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Wow, yeah, this song came out… What was it, ‘91?? Jeez, I was… I was a junior in college… Man, this album was everywhere, I mean, you couldn’t escape it! … Junior year… I was dating Cheryl Burnhart… Cheryl Burnhart, wow… Pssh, burned my heart, I can tell ya that much, heh heh. Heh… Fuck, she was dynamite in the sack, I’m talking T, N, T!!! Aow aow!!! Haha… Wonder what she’s doing now? Hmm… Well, haha, to Cheryl Burnhart!! Cheers to you, wherever you are!! (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Aaahhhh… Oh yeah, what a great track. 

6) Pearl Jam – Even Flow

Cheryl bought me this record actually. We used to… We used to listen to it in her frickin’ Subaru Outback, ha ha. Man, we had some good trips in that thing. Good trips… Shit, maybe she’s on Facebook? Let’s see… Cheryl… Burnhart, think I’m spelling that right… Hmm… Not… Seeing her here… Or maybe it’s Bernhardt? Yeah, I’ll try that, see what we find here…

7) Motorhead – Ace of Spades

It’s gotta be Burnhart, I swear! I mean, how many fucking Cheryl Burnharts can there be?! Jesus Christ! Mmm, Motorhead, good band. It wasn’t Sheryl, was it? Oh fuck, it’s totally Sheryl, yeah, fuck, Sheryl Burnhart, here we go… OH MY GOD, THERE SHE IS!!! SHERYL FUCKING BURNHART, HOLY FUCK!!! That’s insane! Damn, she looks… She looks fucking hot! Hasn’t aged a bit! I mean, face is a little rounder I guess, but otherwise… Damn, ha ha. Sheryl, you fox… Mmm.

8) Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven

Course she’s married, fuck. Two kids, looks like. God, those lips… Guess she’s rocking a cowgirl look now, with the… Cowboy hat… Boots… Hmm… Weird… She totally used to be more rock and roll. Leather jacket, ripped jeans, god, she was a ten… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Aaaahhh… She’s probably like an eight now, not bad.

9) Van Halen – Runnin’ with the Devil

(Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Fuck, should I message her? (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) What should I say? Maybe something like… ‘Hey… Sheryl… How’s… How’s it… Going?? Remember me? Lance Sampson! From college, junior year! You look great!’ No, no, no, that’s… Fucking stupid… Fuck… Hmm… Runnin’ with the devilllllllllll… Shit, RIP Eddie. Cheers man. (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

10) Whitesnake – Here I Go Again

God FUCKING DAMN IT!!! She’s so fucking hot, fuck, FUCK!!!! Mmmmm, Sheryl… Sheryl… Oh, you… You dirty little… Sex goblin… Little fuck rabbit, you… Dirty little fuck servant… God, what I’d give… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Mmm… Mmmmmm…. Yeah… Yeah Sheryl… Yeah… There you go Sheryl… Keep going Sheryl… Keep going, keep going, faster, faster… Faster, wait, slower.. Slower Sheryl… There you go, nice and slow… Nice and… Oh fuck, Jesus Christ Lance, what the fuck am I doing?? Get a hold of yourself man! Come on, we’re supposed to.. We’re supposed to be blaring tunes and crushing brews alone!!! Only road I’ve ever known baby, WHOOOOOOOO!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!! LIKE A TWISTER BABY, BORN TO WALK ALONE, THAT’S ME MOTHER FUCKER, AOW AOW!!!! AOW AOW!!!! ANOTHER IPA DOWN THE HATCH BABY, LET’S GO!!!! (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Whoa… Fuck that’s cold… WHOOOOOOOOO!!!! Whooooo! Whoooo…  

11) Alice in Chains – Man in the Box

BOW, BA, BOW, BA DANANA, WOWWWWW WOW WOW WOWWWW WOW WOW WOWWWWW WOWWW DANANA… YOW!!!! Hell yeah, fucking LOVE THIS SONG!!! TURN IT UP!!!!! Alice in Chains, YEAH BABY!!! More… More like, Sheryl in Chains, right? Right?? Heh heh… Sheryl in Chains… Sheryl… Fuck, FUCK!!! SNAP OUTTA IT LANCE!!! SNAP OUTTA IT!!! (SLAP. SLAP. SLAP. SLAP.) COME ON!! STAY STRONG BUDDY!!!!

12) Twisted Sister – We’re Not Gonna Take It 

Maybe I should just say, ‘Hey Sheryl, it’s Lance, Pearl Jam came on the radio the other day and just thought about you, long time no see, hope you’re doing good, would love to catch up but if you don’t want to I completely understand, just checking in, no big deal, talk soon?’ … Fuck it. Send. Boom, it sent. It sent, it sent, it sent, holy shit. Holy fuck, WHOOOOOO!!! AOW AOW!!!! Alright, now we’ll just… Sit back, and… See what she says… Yeah… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Aaahhh… We’re not gonna take it… 

13) Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun

It says seen, but… She hasn’t responded yet… Hmm… Maybe.. Maybe she’s, like.. Cooking dinner or something… I dunno… Playing with her kids, or, whatever… I dunno… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Hmm… Maybe.. Shit, maybe I jumped the gun a bit on that… I mean… That was almost thirty years ago… Jesus, maybe she doesn’t even remember me… Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!! God, I’m so fucking stupid!!! So fucking desperate, and lonely, and horny, and, and, and.. Pathetic!!! I’m such a fucking loser!!! Fucking, drinking beers alone, blaring shitty ass, generic rock songs, fucking Facebooking chicks I banged like maybe four times, probably three times, thirty years ago, FUCK!!!! Sheryl Burnhart?? She’s moved on Lance!!! DUH!!!! God, I… Fucking.. Hate myself… I hate myself… Fuck… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

14) Simply Red – Holding Back the Years

I’ll keeeeeeep, holding on… Mmm… God, this song’s actually pretty good. So sad, but… It’s real, you know? It’s a real song. Real emotions, real ideas, not just… Bullshit, you know? Not just some fucking, good lucking guy with a huge ass dick singing about the devil or banging chicks or whatever, you know? I mean, look at this guy! Look at this guy, this red haired, freaky looking little dweeb, he knows pain! He knows real pain… Like me… (Exhales) Like me… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…)

15) Quiet Riot – Cum on Feel the Noize

HOLY SHIT, HOLY FUCK, SHE WROTE BACK!!! SHE RESPONDED!!! Fuck, fucking, no fucking way, she wrote back, she wrote back, she… I knew it, I knew she still thought about me, I KNEW IT!!! God, fucking Sheryl Burnhart, you fucking sex goddess, you pussy queen, queen of the pussy, you little cock slayer, you… Let’s see, what’d she say… Let’s see… Hmm… ‘Who’s this?’ What the… ‘Who’s this?’ ???? WHO’S THIS???? Oh, you… YOU… FUCKING BITCH!!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ME??? YOU… WE FUCKING WENT TO MY FAMILY’S THANKSGIVING!!! YOU DINED WITH MY FAMILY YOU LITTLE WHORE!!! YOU JERKED ME OFF IN THE BED I SLEPT IN AS A CHILD, I MEAN, YOU MET MY FUCKING… Cousins and uncles and shit, I mean… FUCK!!!! God… Damn it… This… Man, this stings. This hurts. Sheryl fucking Burnhart. Wow… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…

16) Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar on Me

‘You mean to tell me, Sheryl, that you don’t remember me?? Lance Sampson?? Your boyfriend, junior year at St. Cloud State?? Pearl Jam’s Even Flow, Subaru Outback, sex at least three times, Thanksgiving with my family, ring any bells???’ Hmm… Yeah, that looks good. Send. See if that triggers anything, Sheryl fucking Burnhart… Pssh… ‘Who’s this?’ Jesus Christ. What a bitch… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Aaaahhh… Pour soooooome, sugar on meeeeeeeee, yeah fuck me up!!!! Love this song… Man, wonder how my kid is doing? Brian, er, Barry, whatever the fuck… Miss that little guy.

17) Motley Crue – Dr. Feelgood

She said, ‘oh yeah, Lance, wow! My god, how long it’s been! How did you find me? Lol’ … L… O… L… Yeah… Real funny Sheryl… Real fucking funny… Laugh it up… Everybody’s laughing… Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… Yeah, well… We’ll see who’s laughing… Let’s see… Looks like she’s currently living in… Dearborn, Michigan… Hmm.. ALEXA!!! HOW LONG OF A DRIVE IS IT TO DEARBORN MICHIGAN??? … Ten hours, thirteen minutes… Not bad… Not, bad, at, all… Well… Who’s up for a little road trip, hmm? Hmm?? Hahaha… Ah, hahahahaha. Hahahahahaha… HAHAHAHAHA!!! AHA, AHA, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Time for a little road trip down memory lane, Sheryl Burnhart… Doctor Feelgood’s making a house call, heh heh. Let’s see… Just put the… Key in the ignition here, and… Vroom Vroom!! Alright, ha ha! (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) AND AWAY, WE, GO!!!! 

18) Alice Cooper – I’m Eighteen

Fuuuuuck… Shit, shit, shit, okay, act cool, act cool… Hello officer! Pleasant, uh.. Pleasant.. Day… We’re having… Right? Well, uh, I… Don’t have a.. License… Per se, but, uh… Oh those? Those were, uh.. I was taking those in for recycling.. Yeah… Get some coins… What? What?? Oh, turn it down, yeah, sure, sorry, one sec here… Boom. There we go, heh heh… Alice Cooper, legend… Have I been drinking, HA!! Good one! That’s… That’s funny… Oh, that? Yeah, um… Yeah, I got a permit for that.. Somewhere… Pretty sure… Yeah, and for that one too.. Got a… Permit.. For those… You want me to step out? Um… I kinda was… Going somewhere… I should step out? Yeah, okay, I’ll step out, get some… Fresh air… Just gimme one sec… One sec here… (Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp… Gulp…) Okay, ow, ow, ow, my wrists, my wrists, that hurts, that hurts! I’m… I’m not resisting!! I’m… I’m not resisting, I’m not!! You know what I am though? … EIGHTEEN!!! DAR NAR NAR, DOO DOO!!! EIGHTEEN!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!!! AOW AOW!!!! SHERYL, I STILL LOVE YOU, AND I CAN NEVER QUIT YOU!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ow, okay, seriously, that hurts.