By Tanner Jankum

Bars, breweries, the St. Louis Park Chili’s where Tiffany bartends on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday nights; nothing beats hanging out in a lively environment, sipping some suds with your buds, and simply soaking in a vibrant ambiance. But is it really the tap beer lineup that keeps us coming back for more? Do you honestly think it’s the boneless mango habanero wings that keep calling your name to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Bloomington where Brad, in his tight little uniform and glistening braces, serves section four (the section closest to the restrooms and the sliding glass door patio) every two-for-one mini corn dog happy hour on Wednesday nights? Is the cream ale why you wait in your car in the parking ramp an hour after the Mall of America Wahlburgers has closed just to see what kind of car Julie, the always-so-funny Julie, with those sassy dimples and luscious rack, drives? 

Obviously the main reason we flock to these esteemed establishments is to ogle the eye candy that’s employed there for our viewing pleasure! But while it’s totally chill to gaze and drool at server’s asses and swap fantasies on what you’d like to do to them in a windowless basement with your booth-mates, breaking the fourth wall of server-customer relations so you can inform them what you’d really like a side of is a gamble that can only pay off if you know how to do it right. So if you’re tired of wondering if you spelled your bartender from the other night’s last name correctly into the Facebook search bar, or you can’t figure out how to turn the camera noise off on your smartphone when you’re sneaking a pic, here are some crucial tips to keep in mind when it comes to successfully hitting on service industry workers: 

Ease Into It

Be gentle at first.

Look, when it’s two-for-one Long Island Iced Tea Tuesday at the Roseville Applebee’s and Parker’s bulging, hairless, and veiny forearms nearly graze your face as he sets down a sizzling plate of fajitas right in front of you, it’s certainly hard not to just grab his arm and bite into that tender, pristine Caucasian flesh. But Rome wasn’t built in a day my friend, and you don’t wanna show your hand until you at least have an idea of what the dealer’s holding. Your first several encounters with the waitstaff of your dreams is all about establishing a connection, building rapport, and just feeling things out without actually engaging in any physical touching. Remember, these people are playing hard to get; they love the thrill of a little cat and mouse roleplay to help them escape the absolute mundaneness of their occupation. The longer you can resist burying your face into that busty chest or flat out soliciting them for prostitution, the more irresistible you’ll become. 

Cross-Examination

Find out what makes them tick.

So often do we want to fall victim to our carnal desires and just rip that suffocating, flare-covered T.G.I.F. vest off with our teeth, that we forget to really get to know these serviceable objects of our nonconsensual affection. Bombarding your server or bartender with an infinite array of questions not only paints a portrait of the person you obsess over and choke yourself to while scrolling through their Instagram page in the office restroom; it helps you gain keen insight into what goals, hobbies, and interests they have that you can try to take advantage of for your inevitable seduction! Ask them shit like ‘what’s your favorite food?’ or ‘where do you like to shop?’, so you can buy them gift cards to restaurants and stores that cater to their interests, which will only make it more difficult for them to refuse your advances. Find out how financially unstable they are so you can offer them additional monetary resources other than the occasional generous fifteen percent tip. Take note of any information they unintentionally divulge to you during small talk bullshit, so it can ultimately be used against them, I mean, in your favor.      

Make Tons Of Jokes

Everybody loves jokes!

Everybody loves a comedian. You think Dane Cook or Jeff Dunham have any problems picking up spicy service industry tail when they dine out at Outback Steakhouse? They don’t! Cook and Dunham, are practically drowning in part-time server muff! Turns out no one is immune from finding witty, edgy, humorous banter charming, and the more jokes you keep coming, the more impressed and turned on they’ll be! Here’s a freebie: If the bar or restaurant you’re dining at serves Fulton’s Lonely Blonde on tap, make a clever quip to the smoking hot server or bartender something along the lines of, ‘I’ll take a Lonely Blonde, and I’m not talking about the beer!’ Or if someone sets down your chicken tender platter and asks if you need any sides of anything, give them a, ‘how about a side of your smile tomorrow night at place while my wife and kids are away visiting my in-laws?’ Anything that cunning, original, and droll will have your server howling with laughter, and immediately attracted to your comedic allure.    

Comment On Their Appearance

“Nice feet.”

This one’s crucial. How will Brittany from Red Lobster or Hunter from Olive Garden ever know you’re physically interested in them unless you drop a hint or twelve? The answer is they won’t, which is why you must let it be known how drop dead sexy they are. But don’t shoot your load with one stroke. You want to ease into your physical appearance compliments; maybe kick things off with a subtle ‘Geez Tina, your eyes look so beautiful today!’ or a ‘Mmm, Todd, how can you even move in those skin tight jeans?’ Once they start blushing and avoiding your table due to their insecurity, you’ll know the time is right to drop some flirt bombs like, ‘Sorry, could you repeat the dinner special? I wasn’t listening because I was hypnotized by your feet’, or perhaps something a little more on the nose, like, ‘I like your feet’. Once you’ve planted some endearment seeds into their psychological garden, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship blossoms from verbal to physical.   

Tip At Least Fifteen Percent

Better the tip, the stronger your grip.

This step is tough, but it’s a necessary sacrifice. As much as it pains to acknowledge, these people are here to make money, not to endure your incessant enticement. But because most of these bimbos are money-grubbing deviants who splurge their tips on narcotic purchases and social media followers, they can be easily swayed and seduced by your financial advances. But if you’re hell bent on showing Lisa the interior of your Dodge Ram or playing a round of after hours foosball with Danny at your office, it’s going to cost you. Fifteen percent is more than enough to show that Coors Light bottle cap-popping piece of ass that you mean business. If you’re actually employed full-time and not currently paying child support, then dropping twenty percent on your final bill will all but guarantee some alone, naughty time when they’re done with their shift. Never go over twenty percent though, as that just reeks of desperation and these thieves will gladly take your money while illogically avoiding your advances.   

Occupational Recon

Make sure to memorize their shift schedule.

The easiest rookie mistake to make is not taking the time and effort to learn all the in’s and out’s of your service industry crush’s work schedule and habits. The first thing you wanna do is learn and memorize their shift schedule, as it doesn’t make much sense to dine in when they’re not working, does it?? This might require stopping in at their workplace every day and night of the week to see when they’re working, but sometimes, some simple chit chat with a novice host or busboy will result in them letting it slip what days or nights your server infatuation typically comes in. After you’ve memorized their work schedule, hang around the parking lot until they leave the establishment, so you can see what kind of car they drive, as well as get their license plate number. Follow them around town to see where they hang out outside of work, so you can stage an organic, completely coincidental encounter. Think of this as some routine detective work on a suspect who’s wanted of stealing your heart!     

Residential Stakeout 

Get to know them a little better.

Once you’ve obtained their license plate number, it’ll be super easy to get their home address. A trick I’ve learned is calling the DMV to either claim you’ve been the victim of a hit-and-run and need to verify a place of residence, or you’re a concerned employer who’s worried about an employee who hasn’t shown up for work the past couple of days; either one should hook you up with an addy in no time. When you’ve finally got those digits and street name, stock up on snacks, break out the binoculars, and park a few houses down from their home. Monitor their in-house habits, like what time they wake up in the morning, whether they have any roommates that could get in the way, or making note of when they usually leave the house. Keep an eye out if they have a garage code or leave a spare key anywhere, so you can gain entry into their residence after they’ve left for work. You’ll also want to ensure there are no cameras or surveillance technology that could tip them off that you dropped by. Once they’ve stepped out, step inside and give yourself a grand tour! Make note of refrigerator inventory, wall posters, book collections, or anything that can help you comprehend their interests. You might as well take a few mementos home with you, but just be sure to leave everything as you found it!   

Test The Waters 

Never know until you try!

You’ve established familiarity, you’ve showered them with comedic commentary and irresistible verbal and financial compliments, and you know where they live. In other words, you got the uniform on, you’ve scouted the pitcher, and now you’re standing in the box… All you’ve gotta do now is swing the bat! Test the waters with your special server someone by being as direct as possible of your preferred intentions with them. Swing for the fences by asking them to pay their rent in exchange for weekly massages, or try to steal home with a request for a one-time, flat-fee, teacher-student roleplay session in your basement. Look, I know you might seem nervous about risking your server-customer relationship with the one you care for by asking a total stranger to engage in promiscuous activity. But honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe they say ‘no thanks’, and you two just go back to where you started from, asking and receiving PBR tallboys and swapping trivial updates about your lives. BUT… Maybe… Just maybe… They’re as lonely and desperate and divorced as you are, in which case, WELCOME TO BANG TOWN BABY, POPULATION YOU AND CHARLENE THE BARTENDER FROM THE RUBY TUESDAY’S IN SHAKOPEE, MINNESOTA!!! ENJOY YOUR STAY!!! 

Be Patient

Hang in there solider.

Honestly, your server or bartender crush is probably going to reject your advances right off the bat. But don’t take it personally! They’re probably just afraid of being snitched on by a coworker, or they don’t fully comprehend how they’re missing out on the sexual opportunity of a lifetime. Like all good things, they will eventually come to you, but ya just gotta wait it out. This is a great opportunity to switch up your strategy too. If they keep declining your requests of picking them up for some Sonic drive-thru and enjoying each other’s company alone in your Dodge Ram in the woods, you might have to find other ways to wear down their psyche and inevitably give in to the temptation of you. Try guilt-tripping them when they refuse your advances, like saying how lonely you’ve been after the tornado took out your family, or how you only have seven months to live due to an inoperable brain tumor and feel ashamed to die a virgin. Or you can always use a little blackmail to your advantage, by taking pictures of them snorting coke at a party and threatening to show their boss, or whatever. Sometimes, even little, vague gestures of writing down their license plate number or home address with a cartoon frown face on your receipt and leaving it under your pint glass can go a long way toward hinting to them that they’re better off just complying with your demands! Regardless of how you wanna switch things up, just remember to hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!  

Find Someone Else 

Plenty of fish in the sea!

Rejection is tough. And when it becomes clear that no matter how many times you comment on their perfect butt tone, or how many quarters you leave in addition to tipping twelve percent, or how many polaroid photographs of them leaving their house you pin under their windshield wiper, that they’re still not interested in you… Then my friend, perhaps it’s time to move on. Luckily, there’s tons of bars and restaurants all over the place that employ stupid, sexy, impressionable servers and bartenders who are all eager to do whatever it takes to ensure your customer needs are satisfied! When one door closes, another always opens, so never let winding up on the 86’d list get in your way of finding the next Tony from P.F. Chang’s or Tiffany from Red Robin. Now get out there and harass, er, I mean stalk, shit, I mean, abduct, NO, sorry, I mean get out there and be waited on by the service industry worker of your dreams!