By Tapline Staff.
As we find ourselves nearing the conclusion of the dog days of what can only be described as one-giant-kidney-stone-of-a-summer, us craft connoisseurs have had to be craftier than ever when it comes to seeking solace with the sudsy elixir we commonly refer to as ‘beer’. Distant seem the times where we’d gather by the dozen and rejoice our affection toward the divine creation of this yeast-fermented malty concoction, replaced by the mandated abstention of flocking to our patios of solitude, resulting in our scourging isolation and pretending to be interested in our product-of-improper-contraceptive-practices offspring.
With no end in sight for mending our quarantine-induced-blues, it certainly seems like adapting extremely narcissistic and nihilistic perspectives or suicide is the only cure to the mental fatigue brought on by the withdrawal of our craft brewery privileges. But fear not my subconsciously-alcoholic-friends, for while we sacrifice our fondness for intoxicated assembly, we can look toward adapting to new, innovative, ambiguous and contentiously loophole tactics to fulfill our voids of inebriated expression. So strap your Oakleys, lace your New Balances, and construct your alibis to explain the excessive gaps in attendance and communication you’re about to commit to your employer or family; here is The Tapline’s social distance-friendly guide to consuming craft beer:
Blackout In The Woods
Ahh, the great outdoors! The stoic, tranquil forests of Northern Minnesota are the perfect setting for participating in some remote debauchery. ‘Tis the season to pack up that cooler with your favorite West Coast IPA tallboys, load up the crossbow, rev up an ATV engine, and just sorta see what happens! Nothing feels more cathartic for channeling your quarantine-fostered pent up aggression than chugging a twelve pack, stripping your clothes, applying camouflage-colored face paint, hunting down wild animals, cracking their necks with your bare hands, fornicating with moss-covered crevices, howling at the moon, crying alone in a cave, digging up shit-holes, fornicating with tree hollows, and rolling the dice on what else that old-timer whore Mother Nature can throw your way. It doesn’t get more socially distant than being immersed in thousands of acres of forested seclusion, and there’s no better way to summon your primal instincts than a power hour session with a growler of a lukewarm bourbon barrel-aged stout!
Brewery Bomb Threat
Simple logic can confirm that the only thing holding us back from relishing the splendors of our favorite local breweries is the potential abundance of people. But if no customers equals no COVID, then an empty brewery sounds like the perfect spot for a social distance craft beer party-of-one! And from my own personal experience, nothing clears a place out like an old fashioned bomb threat! Head to a pay phone and punch in the number to your favorite local brewery. Tell whoever picks up the phone that if the place isn’t completely evacuated in the next ten minutes, they’re going to have a hard time cleaning up the debris of blood and flesh in the parking lot after you press the detonation button (use a voice modulator to really emphasize the terrorist threat).
Give them about a half hour to vacate the premises, and boom! You got yourself an entire brewery to frolic in! Channel your inner Macaulay Culkin as you run around the deserted facilities, pouring pints at your leisure, dancing on the bar like a Coyote Ugly barmaid, all while enjoying the safety and security of a vacant utopia to cautiously consume as much craft beer as your liver can handle!
Protest Social Injustice
One of the sneakiest and morally-uplifting ways to pound some brews with your crew without feeling scrutinized for not socially distancing is savoring some to-go beers while protesting social injustice! Load the backpack up with a sixer of Mango Kolsch, make a sign that says ‘No Justice, No Peace’ or whatever, and hit the streets with your beer posse!
Catch up with your buds over some ice cold tallboys, as you march on the pavement and occasionally throw a fist in the air, or yell whatever people around you are yelling. It’ll feel great to make up for lost time with friends, without having to deal with any self-consciousness of patronizing at a packed brewery or patio. Plus, you can pat your back knowing you’re helping make a difference in this cold, cruel world, all while getting your craft drank on!
Hold Your Friends Hostage
It’s definitely tough trying to socialize while navigating through everyone’s comfort levels with the pandemic. But what if you were able to round up your squad and quarantine together with a packed fridge, fully stocked with everyone’s favorite craft beers?! Such a paradise is possible through the power of holding your peers hostage. Start by decking out your basement into the ultimate man cave, then drill a deadbolt lock into the door after boarding up any windows. If you don’t possess a gun, purchase something light and mobile, like a nine millimeter caliber pistol, and stock up on ammunition to prevent possible escape attempts.
Once you’re armed and have secured the basement, individually contact your desired hostage quarantine buddies, deceiving them that you urgently need their assistance at your place of residence (gas leak or a burst pipe are usually dependable lies). Once they arrive, draw their attention to the fake issue, and apply a chloroformed cloth to their mouth while their focus is away from you. While they’re passed out, drag them down to the fun zone, and lock them up, one-by-one, until your squad is fully assembled. They may be resistant or hesitant to the whole scenario at first, but after a few weeks and a couple warning shots, they’ll realize they’re better off partying it up with you as everybody waits out the storm! Party on boys!
Run For Congress
If you feel that lock-down policies and limited capacity ordinances are starting to hinder your hang time, it’s time to ignite change! Now is the perfect time to get into politics to promote your own egocentric agenda, and odds are there’s thousands of persuadable voters who want nothing more than to be able to gather in large numbers in the name of all that is Craft!
Your platform doesn’t need to nerd out on any economic policies or public health concerns or whatever budgeting bullshit all those boring candidates fawn over. Just tap into the emotional outrage and insecurity of all citizens unable to handle or process temporary strife and sacrifice for the sake of societal well being, and the primary is yours for the taking! Once you’re in office, abolish any rules or bills stripping away our rights to obey nobody other than ourselves, and celebrate your newfound revolution with like minded peers over ice cold cream ales! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!
If you’re someone who’s taking this pandemic seriously and have decided that the best course of action to take is to side with caution and quarantine until things are looking up, then it looks like embracing isolation is the way to go. And… You know.. That can be fun! Pick a new six pack of craft brews to sip on every night, and expand your flavor horizons while catching up on an early 2000’s critically acclaimed HBO series you missed out on two decades ago, or engaging in a hardcore pornographic video bender. Savor the suds of a to-go growler of your favorite juicy IPA and Google any local unsolved murder cases to become obsessed with solving, or slowly become detached from your romantic partner or family by zeroing in on their flaws and passive aggressively pointing out their shortcomings.
Fill up a frosty mug with a crisp, refreshing apricot sour ale, and debate between pursuing self-improvement hobbies and goals, or deciding ‘fuck all’ and downward spiraling down a dark path of neglecting hygiene and excessive masturbation! Wherever your isolation adventures lead you, you can take comfort knowing craft beer will always be there to guide you during these turbulent times.
Go Out With A Bang
If abiding by social distance guidelines while overindulging in craft beer has resulted in reaching an existential point of no return, then fuck it! Time to go out with a bang, aye?? Point your middle fingers toward the sky while crushing a Crowler can of blueberry wheat ale and stumble into a Whole Foods! Expose yourself to the cashier while coughing all over the checkout conveyor belt, then run around and grope anyone you deem attractive! Shotgun the first container of alcohol you find, then recite Bill Pullman’s famous presidential monologue from ‘Independence Day’ while inserting various organic fruits and vegetables into your anus. Duck and dodge various Whole Foods security employees while verbally confirming your beliefs that the Democratic party is an active front for international child sex trafficking, then carjack a Prius to crash into a 5G network tower!
Once you’ve garnered the attention of law enforcement helicopters, kick things up a notch by kidnapping the next infant you come across, and once the fuzz arrive on the scene, shout out a list of demands, including a bag of Ranch Dipped Hot Wing Doritos and intercourse with the actress who played the character of Raymond’s wife on ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, or else you’ll toss the baby off a bridge. Keep up the chaos before your buzz wears off or a police shootout unfolds, and revel it up knowing that at least you got to live a little bit before this virus kills us all or inevitable nuclear holocaust ensues!