By Conway Diddle.
Ahh, beer. Nothing quite like it, aye? You love beer, we love beer, that’s why we devote countless time and energy into writing about it, and you allocate precious money and effort into consuming and researching it. So who fucking gives a shit if some random brewery starts paying us to promote some of their under-selling beers on our influential media platform? Hmm? I mean, win-win, right? We get a little cold hard cash so we can pay the bills to continue enlightening you on all things craft beer, and you get informed about some new beer that you can purchase at the liquor store to take home and draw your own conclusions on! Bada-bing, bada-boom, right?
Anyways, if you’re looking for what this craft connoisseur considers to be the haziest, tangiest, deliciously refreshing new IPA to hit stores this summer, it’s gotta be SunSet Brewing’s Hazy Summer IPA! This juicy bad boy features a complex combination of hops, ranging from Mosaic, to Citra, to Amarillo, to El Dorado hops, to give it the perfect balance of fruity and tropical notes, ideal for hot summer day sipping. Wheat beer fans will rejoice at its peachy, orange aftertaste, and don’t let its double dry-hopped origins fool you; this beer is on the lighter side when it comes to volume and bitterness, and begs for multiple servings in one setting.
No, seriously, do you have a problem with SunSet Brewing paying us some under the table skrilla to write a positive review of their beer? The fuck is wrong with you?! What gives you the right to be so high and mighty?! We’re trying to make a fucking living here, okay?? Did you sink your entire 401(k) and children’s college tuition savings into creating a craft beer media empire?? No! I fucking did! So save your bullshit self righteous entitlement for fucking Time Magazine or whatever the fuck.
It’s beer shitwad! Who gives a shit?! What journalistic integrity does a fucking craft beer magazine truly possess? Oh, we’re not gonna win a Pulitzer cause Budweiser pays us hella coin to slip Goose Island into our Best Of lists every year?? Waaaaaaahhhhhh!! NEWSFLASH!!! WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!!! Look, let me break this shit down for you. We write about beer, and food, restaurants, bars, lifestyle, human trafficking, whatever the fuck, okay? And why do we write about all this frivolous shit? Because we’re extremely noble people who just want to share our passion for all things culinary with the world? EEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!! WRONG! We write about this shit because we’re fucking lazy and wanna make money, DUH!
We produce the content, you consume the content, advertisers pay us to continue producing the content, and the world spins fucking round and round. Why do you need the content? Because you’re busy! You’re busy fucking working, closing deals, pouring pints, shaking hands, crunching numbers, blowing balloons, whatever the fuck it is you do to pay for your Brazzers subscription. You work, you raise kids, you have friends, you follow sports, you watch bullshit about rich whores shopping and talking shit about each other, simply put, you don’t have time to know what to drink, where to drink, and how to drink. That’s where we come in!
We establish ourselves as experts on such an obscure and senseless subject such as craft beer to capitalize on a catchy alcohol trend, and you don’t question it because why would we go through all this work of creating a magazine, website, and podcast if we didn’t know what the fuck we were talking about! In reality, we’re a bunch of lazy assholes trying to associate our alcoholism with a sense of identity while being able to avoid working at a marketing agency or whatever soulless corporate suckhole we wasted tens of thousands of dollars in student loans on to have the “privilege” to waste our lives at. So we tell you a bunch of bullshit about craft beer, and you listen to us because you don’t fucking know any better! Then we get all these desperate breweries, bars, and restaurants to give us money to put their ads in our shit, even though half of them will be outta business in a year anyway, and wallah!! Wouldn’t ya know it, we got ourselves a little swindlin’ business enterprise on our hands!!
Look. It’s a little sketch, I get it. Yeah, it’s fucked up that we only write about breweries or restaurants or events that pay us fat stacks of Mister Franklins, OKAY, WHATEVER. But, like… THE CONCEPT OF ADVERTISING MAKES IT ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A PURELY AUTHENTIC AND OBJECTIVE MEDIA OUTLET! Okay??! Think about it!! If Blah Blah Blah Brewing pays us to advertise on our website, and it turns out that Blah Blah Blah Brewing produces a bunch of shitty, asshole, dingleberry-tasting beer, and we wind up writing an honest review that trashes their pisshole-flavored beer, what’s gonna happen?! They’re gonna stop paying us! That’s money that goes to feeding our kids or renewing our Brazzers subscription, POOF!! GONE!!! VANISHED!!! So what the fuck, right?? What are we supposed to do? Hmm?? Tell me! FUCKING TELL ME!!! TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I’M SUPPOSED TO DO!! BE HONEST AND BROKE, OR LIE A LITTLE AND FEED MY HYPOTHETICAL CHILDREN?? WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE???
I dunno, fuck, blame capitalism, don’t blame us. Don’t blame us for all this bullshit. Look, just try the beer. Try SunSet Brewing’s Hazy Summer IPA, and worst case scenario, you don’t like it and you’ll never have to buy it again. That’s all that’s at stake here! I’m sure they put a lot of their own time and effort into making this shit, fucking least you can do is try it for fuck’s sake! And who the fuck knows?! Maybe you’ll like it! Maybe it really is the best goddamn hazy IPA in this ridiculously over-saturated market! Who knows?? You don’t know until you try, aye?? So there ya go. SunSet Brewing’s Hazy Summer IPA, fucking great beer. Drink it or don’t! I don’t give a fuck!! Either way I’m paid shithead! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out how the hell I’m going to write 700 positive words about this ass-fist tasting raspberry sour one of our sponsors just pushed on us.