By Linda Bloomie.

It’s no secret that 2020 has been one of the most, if not the most, devastating, taxing, and traumatizing years in American history. The term ‘unprecedented’ fails to even capture how trying it’s been for us citizens to navigate our ways through a global pandemic, civil uprising, and the postponement of James Taylor and Jackson Browne’s world tour. But while Americans of all walks of life have been impacted by the instabilities of 2020, there’s one demographic that perhaps faces the most challenging tasks moving forward in the wake of this country’s grappling with uncertainty and unrest: local Caucasian business owners. 

From investing divorce settlements into chique retro clothing stores to ponying up trust fund inheritance to finance microbrewery expansion, local Caucasian business owners have devoted infinite time, money, and energy into receiving the unchecked resources and approvals necessary to achieve their entitled dreams of owning their own enterprise. But sadly, all their hard work and determination is now in jeopardy of enduring unwarranted criticism, scrutiny, and worse of all, cancellation, all thanks to the doings of our current virtual social justice upheaval. Because of the color of YOUR skin, YOU are now at risk of losing YOUR carnival-themed scented candle shop or mezcal cocktail menu pop-up bar, all because YOU don’t meet the standards of ruthless communist sympathizers who practice their scorched earth tactics behind the masked veil of social media. 

We’re not arguing that it’s fair that local Caucasian business owners have to sacrifice their first amendment rights and go out of their way to appease some gender-neutral sociology major named Sion with a published essay on white fragility and four thousand Instagram followers. But unfortunately, taking necessary precautions to ensure you’re in line and cooperating with these newfound progressive checklists of morality will protect you and your business from losing everything you’ve labored over and have genetically benefitted from your entire life. So to properly defend yourself from the wrath of the woke, here are some crucial tips every local Caucasian business owner should abide by when it comes to protecting your brand from alt-left fury: 

Scrubbing Your Social Media

Say hello to your biggest enemies.

One of the quickest ways to find yourself on the wrong end of a callout Facebook tirade is a college Instagram post of you and your friends dressed as The Wayans Brothers for Halloween, or a four-year-old tweet ranting about the recent wave of radical feminist Pixar movies. We now find ourselves in an unfortunate era where expressing yourself or speaking your mind is not only subject to viral prosecution, but can leave you susceptible to permanently damaging your reputation or losing your business.

I can’t count the number of callout casualties that have accumulated over the years due to forgotten social media musings over SpongeBob SquarePants’ sexuality or merely posing questions on Facebook regarding Barack Obama’s birthplace or the validity of the Holocaust. So if you have done so already, you need to review all your social media posts to make sure they’re what I call ‘PC-Proof’, meaning the post is impossible to be interpreted as problematic. Follow these guidelines for determining whether a post is not PC-Proof: 

  • ERASE ANY TRACE OF RACE: Delete any post that mentions or involves race, even if it’s simply suggesting that casting a black actor to be the next James Bond makes absolutely zero sense and would completely discredit the entire film franchise. 
  • NO FUNNY BUSINESS: Jokes. Delete them. Humor is an unrecognizable concept or quality for the radical left, and while your overtly comedic tweets of black Labradors with the caption ‘BLACK LABS MATTER’ or retweeting of Sean Connery videos expressing his fondness for physically striking women with the caption ‘YOU CAN’T CANCEL THE CONNERY!!!’ are obviously pillars of hilarity, all it takes is one screenshot of your wrongfully-interpreted humor to trigger the social justice warrior community who will come at you with their emblematic torches and metaphorical pitchforks.
  • BEWARE WHAT YOU SHARE: Be careful who you retweet. This is an easy-to-overlook mistake that sadly can prove just as costly as tweeting or sharing a racist or sexist post that you penned yourself. Whether it’s Roseanne speaking some truth about vaccines or an InfoWars pie graph explaining homosexual radiation levels in the Flint, Michigan drinking water, you need to erase any indications that you support any leaders of the enlightenment revolution. 
  • PROBE YOUR PHOTOS: They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and when you got a photo of you standing next to an elephant you just murdered for sport or a snapshot of your New Year’s Eve Miss Cleo costume, it could spell thousands of words articulating leftist outrage. Review all your Facebook and Instagram photos to make sure there’s no public evidence of your sorority blackface parties, or the selfies you took while marching at last year’s Straight White Rights Rally in Duluth. Before you delete them, make sure you make printable copies for your personal photo diary so you can still reflect on all the memories in the safety and privacy of your own McMansion. 

Go Incognito

One little sign can be enough to protect you from woke wrath.

If you really wanna throw off the scent for when these ANTIFA dogs start sniffing your trail, you need to start throwing them some bones. To beat the woke, you need to think woke, and that will require some undercover effort on your end to go undetected on their political correct radar. 

First things first, put up a Black Lives Matter sign anywhere on your lawn or in one of your store windows. Obviously, the feeling of supporting a terrorist organization such as BLM will sting a little bit, but trust me, taping up one of these little signs outside of your antique garden gnome shop or variety-flavored beef jerky dispensary will essentially work like callout repellent, diverting the radical left’s attention from ally-assessing your business or home. 

Second, post some vague, yet seemingly earnest and supportive words on your personal or company social media accounts. You don’t have to get too specific or insert your own accurate beliefs into the posts, you just need to type out some empty, unoffending words that convey an overall sense of empathy and compassion to what’s happening in your city. I would recommend something along the lines of, ‘During these trying times of turmoil, (insert you or your business name here) want to thank all the incredible and amazing people supporting our community and helping our city progress. (insert personal name or company title here) will continue to move forward with a new sense of awareness, keeping our ears and eyes on the ground to ensure that (I/we) will improve effort to promote equality within this broken neighborhood, and (I/we) promise to invest in the future of our town in order to secure and provide opportunity to all those who inhabit it.’ or something around that ballpark. 

You don’t necessarily have to use woke-wank terminology such as ‘diversity’, ‘defund’, ‘injustice’, ‘racism’, ‘systematic oppression’, or ‘murder’, but if you’re capable of detaching yourself from your deceiving PC persona, utilizing their vocabulary will only work in your favor to enhance your call-out force field. 

Go On The Attack

Can’t beat ’em? Join ’em…

While posting a few BLM signs up or making the occasional liberal guilt post can be enough to deem you or your local business safe from leftist scrutiny, you can increase your woke defense shields tenfold if you’re willing to go a few extra miles. As the old adage says, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, which is exactly what you can do, as long as you don’t go all Keanu Reeves in ‘Point Break’ and fall in too deep while undercover. You can become a sheep in wolf’s clothing by channeling your authentic, patriotic angst under the guise of seething liberal rage, and if successful, your PC-targeting of others will allow you to coast through life callout-free. 

Calling out people or businesses for being problematic or not progressive is essentially a game of PC-mad libs. Start with any company, let’s choose Arby’s for argument’s sake. Draft a tweet that begins by tagging Arby’s, then start grilling them over essentially any liberal issue you can think of. It could be questioning Arby’s why they haven’t publicly denounced funding the police, or berating Arby’s over failing to produce coupons specifically catering to illegal immigrants, or interrogating Arby’s over the lack of diversity in their board of directors, etcetera etcetera. Before publishing your post, tag as many ultra-left media outlets or organizations as you can, such as the ACLU, CNN, Bill Nye the Science Guy, etcetera. Sprinkle in some trendy liberal hashtags, like #privilege, or #hypocrite, or get creative and tie in their own slogans, like #wehavethemeatsnowbitch, then boom, marvel at the chaos you’ve constructed. 

Watch the snowflakes get so heated they begin to melt by their fetishized fury, and everyone will applaud your efforts to raise awareness of Arby’s intolerance and injustice. Keep up your Tet Offensive of corporate callouts, and embrace the nibbles of these woke warriors eating from the palm of your hand. You are now their leader, and have thrown them off your path of pursuing and preserving patriotic freedom and assisting Fox News Nielsen ratings so Best Buy and PetSmart can continue to financially aid our most fair and balanced media source.          

Stay Strong

A fellow patriot who fell victim to integrity.

Now that you’ve scrubbed your social media clean, disguised your home, business, and internet presence in left-approved paraphernalia or vernacular, and called out all your competition for lack of progressive communal contribution, the only thing that can fuck up all these precuationary measures is you. We’ve seen it all too often of late; a fellow Patriot in line at a Trader Joe’s who inevitably loses it over a face mask accusation or refuses to adhere to the absurdity of a gender neutral bathroom at the local communist cafe. It’s unjust that these common sense crusaders are guaranteed to be filmed against their will on some unemployed Millennial’s smartphone, where their outcries of oppression will be misinterpreted as privileged rants of narcissism and pure detachment of reality, but unfortunately this is the state of the world in which we live in. So to make sure you avoid becoming the next trending ‘Karen’ on Twitter, remember to practice this acronym whenever you feel close to boiling over when confronted with a liberal policy ambush: S.H.I.E.L.D. 

  • S: Suspire – Take a deep breath while closing your eyes. 
  • H: Halt – Immediately stop whatever you’re doing and stand in place for however long you need to diffuse and detach from whatever issue you’re being subjected to. 
  • I: Imagine – Envision some place, event, or action you’d prefer to be inhabiting or engaging in other than the experience you’re currently enduring. It could be a Toby Keith’s Bar & Grill, a wine tasting, or gently sliding your fingers down Tucker Carlson’s torso; whatever it takes to regain composure. 
  • E: Energize – Stand on your tiptoes, tilt your neck back, and raise your hands toward the sky. Sway back and forth as you harness positive energy flowing through your veins and entering your brain, allowing dopamine to override any negative emotions or impulses trying to invade your mind. 
  • L: Laugh – Don’t give your oppositions any ammunition they can use against you via Internet magic. Instead of verbally berating them with a sermon they deserve, simply laugh at them. Give them a wicked cackle that will simultaneously expel the lunacy you’re feeling overcome with and let these liberals know exactly what you think of them. Woefully for them, they’ll be unable to spin your violent guffawing to fit their conservative-bashing agenda. 
  • D: Drive – After you’ve howled in the faces of the damned, it’s time to get the hell outta dodge and put the pedal to the metal baby. Savor the victory of failing to fall victim to their viral witch hunt by driving well over the speed limit while blaring Ted Nugent’s ‘Stranglehold’ or Stevie Nicks’ ‘Edge of Seventeen’. Drive for hours while honking your horn and cherishing the constitutional right to SHOUT and SCREAM whatever vile words and repugnant sentences you erroneously believe in, all inside the privacy and safety of your 2020 Ford F-350 Raptor.    

Once you master the S.H.I.E.L.D. defense, there’s absolutely nothing the raging left can use against you in order to tarnish your reputation and career. Now that you have all these new progressive-passing tactics at your arsenal, you can rest assured that all your bigotry, prejudice, and sheer ignorance will never be revealed, and you can continue your manifest destiny pursuit of the American dream.