By Brooks Harper.

To the untrained eye, beer bellies are all the same. One look at your enclosed flesh pouch generally informs the passerby that they’re in the presence of a worldly nosher; one who eternally dons their accumulating doughy mass of palatable mementos. But the fact of the matter is that these portable, jiggly receptacles of edible antiquity are more than merely physical manifestations of one’s fondness for routinely indulging in lavish libations and nourishing nibbles. The beer belly is an extension of the soul; an embodiment of character; a reflection of disposition. 

Beer bellies can be an expression of boastfulness or a declaration of temerity. Like a mohawk accentuates attitude or implants implying attention, beer bellies are distinguishable, corporeal features intended to define one’s morals, traits, and darkest, inner secrets and desires. So for those blessed enough to sport a well endowed, seemingly inflated torso, here are seven beer belly styles that can accurately articulate the qualities and quiddities that define your genuine essence: 

The Bloomer

The Bloomer: Subtle, Quaint, & Calm

Accommodating Attire: black V-necks, dark Polos, corduroys, sweater vests

Beer(s) of Choice: pilsners, wheat ales, Belgians  

Favorite Foods: salmon, pretzel knots, fried cauliflower bites  

General Interests: drawing, mathematics, astrology, documentaries examining criminal activities 

Quirks: abstaining from listening to multiple genres of music, riding public transportation solely in hopes of engaging in spontaneous socialization

One of the more subtle and humble variations of a beer belly, The Bloomer is typically undetectable when garbed, yet prominent, proud, and plump once exposed. It’s a modest bulge that generally portrays a stoic, yet meek demeanor, that’s neither intimidating or feeble. The Bloomer tends to fit those with more introverted tendencies, or independent occupations, such as architects, carpenters, or sanitation workers. The byproduct of the casual pilsner sipper, The Bloomer is the perfect look for those who prefer to conceal their confidence, but are full of surprises once you get to know them better. 

The Panache

The Panache: Bold, Brash, & Bountiful

Accommodating Attire: bowling/Hawaiian shirts, silk button-ups, swim trunks, anything from Ed Hardy

Beer(s) of Choice: Coors Light, shandys 

Favorite Foods: artisan chicken tenders, mac and cheese bites, barbecue sauce

General Interests: jetskiing, motorcycles, karaoke, leftovers, anything starring Mickey Rourke 

Occasional Phrases: “Now that’s a spicy meatball!” “Big hands need big cans.” “You gonna eat that?”    

Look out world; this is a belly tone that’s bursting with flash and flair. The Panache is an in-your-face figure only suited for the bold, brash, and bountiful. Its abrasive shape cannot be geometrically defined, which seems fitting for its owner’s outlandish extroverted tendencies. Its rolls will wiggle with rapture after hearing its own joke, generally spoken with a raspy, graveled howl. The Panache is usually the byproduct of decades of red meat abuse and a clogged colon, but that won’t stop its master from producing excessive hand gestures during extended monologues depicting suspiciously vague sexual encounters. If you’ve ever tried to bribe a masseuse or find supporting characters from The Sopranos relatable, The Panache is the look for you.  

The Orb

The Orb: Assertive, Confident, & Hypnotic

Accommodating Attire: sleeveless undershirts, branded golf polos, khaki shorts, sunglasses accompanying strap  

Beer(s) of Choice: porters, stouts, Guinness 

Favorite Foods: pastries, dumplings, spinach artichoke dip, bacon-wrapped dates, pot pies

General Interests: golf, fishing, conferences and expos, capitalism, John Wayne 

Turn-Offs: liberals, tipping, Middle Eastern/African cuisine, female vocalists, cats

A visual force of gravity, The Orb is a symmetrical marvel to behold, belonging to a personality at the center of its own universe. It’s a firm, stiff oval of a gut that’s quasi-impenetrable, a circular silo if you will, providing an armor-like confinement for its consumed captives. Much like its owner, The Orb commands respect whenever it enters a room, surveying its surroundings for vulnerability and insecurity. The Orb’s origins can be traced back to a European genesis, and tends to lean on the hereditary side of nature or nurture stomachs. Assertive, motivated, and lacking compassion, The Orb is a great beer belly style for anyone beckoning for nostalgia and feeling out of touch with current trends and philosophies. This is a must-look for lawn maintenance enthusiasts. 

The Zeppelin

The Zeppelin: Protruding, Reclusive, & Nihilistic

Accommodating Attire: N/A

Beer(s) of Choice: milkshake IPAs, chocolate stouts, anything on nitro 

Favorite Foods: deep dish, lasagna, garlic bread, boneless wings, mozzarella sticks

General Interests: eating, drinking, reclining, technology 

Most Used Smartphone Applications: Postmates, Door Dash, Yelp, Facebook

A protruding gut torpedo that’s unparalleled in width and circumference, The Zeppelin is the form of a vessel begging to dock, and rarely lands smoothly. Its acute angled frame provides a pointed barrier from its owner and its surroundings, which comes in handy with creating separation in the event of extinguishing digested dust. The Zeppelin typically caters to the more curious culinary connoisseur, one who prides their palate on vast experience and renowned open-mindness. It’s also a belly that’s reserved for more reclusive personalities; those who personally rank pizza delivery chain restaurants and find socks restrictive. The Zeppelin goes best with someone who’s pessimistic when it comes to compatibility, and subscribes to over a dozen streaming services, including Quibi.    

The Crescent

The Crescent: Brazen, Crass, & Cultured

Accommodating Attire: chic/ironic sweatshirts, oversized flannel, skinny jeans, leather boots, beanies 

Beer(s) of Choice: double dry hopped pale ales, mango kolsches, Hamms 

Favorite Foods: hummus, seared scallops, eggs benedict, truffle fries, “authentic” tacos  

General Interests: collecting vinyl, starting bands, traveling, talking, temporarily getting into hobbies and ultimately abandoning them

Recent Debit Card Purchases: Aphex Twin import, Uber ride, pack of yellow American Spirits, Salvation Army, multiple growlers, Uber ride 

Curious, extroverted, and generally haughty, The Crescent is a beer belly form best suited for consistently altering, shape-shifting, youthful personalities. Those who sport a Crescent tend to feel empowered by embracing their flesh fanny pack, as a combination of showcasing sophisticated consumption, a defiance of physique expectations, and an extension of their apparently brazen, and prominent persona. Those who possess a Crescent tend to project a sense of superiority over their peers, providing insight and expertise on topics ranging from political issues that don’t affect them, to ranking Lil Wayne’s discography, to smartphone dating application recommendations. The Crescent’s possessor usually comes equipped with a moustache, and may have recently erased their social media presence for reasons that have yet to surface.  

The Carafe

The Carafe: Grandiose, Prominent, & Tumultuous

Accommodating Attire: throwback basketball jerseys, Zubaz pants, flat-billed baseball caps, boarding shorts

Beer(s) of Choice: whatever is immediately available and can be consumed rapidly 

Favorite Foods: fast-food-dollar-menu options, well done steak, dishes that remind them of their mother  

General Interests: unprompted freestyle rapping, hallucinogens, glass blowing, glow sticks, sleeping  

Favorite Adam Sandler Movies (In Order): That’s My Boy, The Waterboy, Jack & Jill, Little Nicky, Big Daddy 

The shape of a Carafe belly is comparable to the base of a mountain, as it’s at its widest at the base and slowly narrows the further you climb. It’s an unfiltered appearance, always hosting a healthy surplus of liquids that contribute to exaggerated jiggling that’s visible with every fluid, grandiose motion or gesture of its master. Those sporting a Carafe tend to be rather mobile and spry despite their bulging frames, because typically the foundation of how they express themselves involve excessive hand motions. Extroverted to the point of intrusive, Carafes love to make their presences immediately known and felt, and generally have one setting for vocal decibel levels, which is high. Carafes tend to be spread out, limiting themselves to one to two per pack of peers, typically because exceeding multiple Carafes can lead to unbridled testosterone release and/or physical confrontation. Whether you’re a persistent hugger, someone who points and slaps their knees when they laugh, or prefer to enter a body of water via cannonball position, The Carafe is a form of flab that needs a personality almost as big as its dimensions.

The Canvas 

The Canvas: Daring, Audacious, Relentless

Accommodating Attire: no shirt, blue jeans, overalls, Crocs, ripped jorts

Beer(s) of Choice: Bud Light, Budweiser, Bud Light Lime 

Favorite Foods: meat, potatoes, frozen foods, cooked meat

General Interests: chewing tobacco, college football, hunting, failing to express themselves, ATV transportation

Notable Traits: mispronouncing things, patting their stomachs while sighing, referring to objects as “what-cha-ma-call-its”, profusely sweating, grunting 

Those daring enough to evolve their beer bellies into a Canvas-state-of-body can rest assured that their personality and physique will no longer be separate entities. The Canvas can be physically described as one massive slate, void of any interrupting features like breasts, rolls, or love handles. The Canvas simply exists as one; as is. It’s a form that’s naturally decorated in fur, sweat, heat rashes, and barbecue stains, and generally belongs to one who routinely chews wheat grass, questions the theory of evolution, and is unfamiliar with the work of actor Mahershala Ali. The Canvas is a shape that usually caters to those finding themselves fatigued from participating in modern society, and tends to work best in isolated, rural areas. If you’re an independent introvert who favors spending spare time rocking in chairs, staring at the sky, abstaining from thought, giggling at belches, and yelling at the sight of raccoons, The Canvas might be the accommodating belly coat to coast through life with.