By Fred Manhoof.
Look, I’m a man, okay? That means I pound brews, I sniff snatch, and I routinely pleasure myself by pouring scalding hot nacho cheese on my nipples while I blare Breaking Benjamin and penetrate my Vikings-colored fleshlight; it’s what we do. Now that my masculinity has been established, I gotta make a confession… Straight up, I’ve been drinking some pretty out there shit lately.
I know what you’re thinking; ‘Oh Manhoof, don’t tell me you’re throwing back cosmopolitans while listening to NPR podcasts and providing email signatures for various social justice petitions!’ Whoa, easy there. Manhoof still knows how to shoot flaming gold-tipped carbon arrows at cardboard cutouts of Nancy Pelosi after shotgunning Steel Reserve tallboys, okay? I haven’t lost my edge. All I’m saying is that, uh… You know… There’s some pretty, uh.. What’s a politically correct term I’m looking for… There’s some pretty good tasting Foo-Foo beers that I feel taste just as good, if not better, than pouring an ice cold pitcher of Coors down your throat after Dalvin Cook takes it to the house, okay??
I’m just trying to broaden some horizons here, got me?? It’s still the same ol’ Manhoof here! Same ol’ Manhoof, tossin’ em back, texting my much younger wife Jenny shit like, ‘hey babe, it’s taking a little longer at the office than I thought, won’t be home until Thursday morning, love you!’ when in reality I’m eight hours deep into a Mall of America Hooters bender with the boys, hiding behind parked cars for our server Tiffany to enter the parking ramp after her shift, it’s still me guys! That being said, here are six beers that if you had offered me four years ago, I would’ve broken your clavicle with a fist chop I learned after a deep dive into ‘Defending Yourself Against ANTIFA Terrorists’ YouTube videos, but now I consider them to be rather flavorful and appropriate to drink alone, out of sight from your boys:
Breezy Brewing’s Arnold Palmer Pilsner
I know what you’re thinking; ‘Arnold Palmer beer?? Look, if I want an Arnold Palmer, I’ll pour ice tea and lemonade into a handle of Phillips vodka and wake up naked in the sandtrap on the eighteenth hole!’ Just hear me out. It’s light, it’s crisp, and I swear to fucking god, after hitting the links with the crew, there’s nothing like it! I mean, it’s like if Hamms had a lemonade! I dunno, call me socially progressive, call me a twenty-five year old with a liberal arts degree who works at a cafe with ‘Urban’ in its name, but I gotta give credit to where credit is due!
Black Tie Brewing’s Mango Madness Pale Ale
I bet you’re reading this being all like, ‘Okay Manhoof, you salmon salad-eating son-of-a-bitch, the only way a mango is getting in my beer is if Carmen Electra time-traveled from the year 1996 to my backyard, present day, and offered me a prostate exam in exchange for dropping a slice of mango into my Miller Lite chalice! Otherwise, NO-FRIGGIN’-WAY!!!’ And I admit, at first I was hesitant to give this brew a shot. Friggin’ mango?? What am I, a San Juan street prostitute?? But believe me, one sip of this beer, and it’s like drinkin’ a hoppy Snapple! It’s pretty good stuff! I swear on my Twins Zumba pants collection!
Bird’s Eye Brewing’s Sour Apple Sour
Now you’re getting upset, I can feel it! ‘Listen Manhoof, lemonade beer? Whatever. Mango pale ale, okay… BUT A FRIGGIN’ SOUR APPLE BEER?? TAKE IT BACK!! TAKE IT BACK MANHOOF!! I NEED TO BURY MY FACE IN THE LINGERIE SECTION OF THE SEARS CATALOG JUST TO WASH THE FOO FOO OUTTA MY EYES!!!’ Look, if you’d of told me three years ago I’d be drinking a sour apple beer, I would’ve quit my job as a cigar cutter salesmen, burned my social security card, and locked myself in a silo somewhere in rural Idaho with nothing but a carton of Slim Jim’s and a portable DVD player with a Blu-Ray copy of the unrated version of Van Wilder, just to ensure myself that it would never happen! But hey! This beer ain’t half bad! Pairs well with buffalo wings, swear to friggin’ god!
Tall Tale Brewing’s Margarita IPA
I can see you now… Curled up in the man cave… Shivering… The words ‘margarita India pale ale’ echoing inside your mind… Carving the number twenty-seven into your forearms, as your own blood drips into a bucket of Frank’s hot sauce you’re using as a dip for a bag of elk jerky… You’re paralyzed with fear, questioning all realms of reality. All the sudden, a mirage of Kirk Cousins emerges, and he beckons you closer. You quiver as you move your face, closer to his hologram dimples. He licks his lips as your noses almost touch. Finally you snap outta it. What have you done? You immediately order Species 2 on Pay Per View for $14.99 and fast forward to the steamy alien with nice boobs sex scenes to start violently stroking your schlong over your khaki shorts. All is now well. You’ve resisted temptation… But I’m telling you, this beer’s not too shabby! With a burrito and chips ‘n salsa, it was pretty good! And it’s got a high ABV, which is badass.
Soul City Brewing’s Raspberry Chocolate Porter
OKAY, PUT THE GUN DOWN!!! TAKE THAT GUN AWAY FROM THAT BABY’S HEAD AND LISTEN TO ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! Okay.. Okay, calm down… That’s right, let the baby go. Where’d you get that baby? You know what, doesn’t matter, just let the baby go and put the gun down… That’s better. Okay… Deep breath… Yes, I said a raspberry chocolate porter, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! DROP THE BABY!!! OR WAIT, NO, DON’T DROP IT, SET IT DOWN GENTLY!!! Look I swear to friggin’ god, this beer isn’t that bad!! You like chocolate raspberries, right?? Well it’s pretty much like that but a beer! It’s like a drinkable dessert! It’s not bad, I’m telling you! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP POINTING THAT GUN AT THAT BABY I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW YOU CAME INTO POSSESSION OF!!!
Hound Dog Brewing’s Passion Fruit Pale Ale
JUST TRY THE FRIGGIN’ BEER!!! I KNOW, I KNOW, PASSION FRUIT, TWO WORDS THAT SHOULDN’T BE IN THE SAME SENTENCE UNLESS THE SENTENCE IS ‘THE ONLY TIME I’VE EXPERIENCED THE CONCEPT OF PASSION WAS WATCHING A DEEP WEB VIDEO OF A WOMAN DRESSED AS A SWEDISH MAID INSERTING FRUIT INTO HERSELF’ BUT SERIOUSLY! IT’S A PRETTY GOOD BEER AND JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE DRINKING BEER THAT’S BREWED WITH FRUIT IN IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU’RE ANY LESS OF A MAN WHO REPRESSES HOMOEROTIC URGES BY WATCHING SPORTS, EATING MEAT WITH NO UTENCILS, AND GETTING REALLY INTO LAWN CARE MAINTENANCE!! I’M JUST MERELY SUGGESTING IT, THIS IS JUST A SUGGESTION!! YOU CAN EVEN DRINK IT WHILE YOU’RE HUNTING WITH YOUR TEENAGE SON AND INSTRUCTING HIM THE PROPER TECHNIQUES FOR DEHORNING WHITETAIL BUCKS!!! IT’S OKAY!!! EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY, JUST PLEASE, STOP POINTING THAT GUN AT THAT ORIGINS-UNKNOWN BABY!!!